CompAng17

I'm done. I'm sooo done. Expressions flattening. All for You.

Ah, yes, this is your way. Your usual way. Walls building. Always for You.

You think it's okay with me to just insult me like this? YES?! I see. That's the way it is, then. No more words.

You. Me. You. Me.! Safety breaking. Without You.

Big creatures. With smaller eyes. Solid creatures. With see-through eyes. Cold creatures. And happy eyes. Warm creatures. Dead eyes. Silent creatures Stern eyes. Fuzzy creatures, murky eyes. Crowdy creatures, Enlightened eyes. Hollow creatures. souless eyes.

In all different shapes and sizes, in all perspectives, looks, highlights.

Who can be this cold and heated? What can outlive all that's fragile, all so hazy, all so fine?

And all those eyes are looking at me, and all those eyes can't really see me.

The snow's falling. Slower...faster..hurricane. Led by the song of the wind. Faster. Slower...Stop. Gosh, I wish you were here.

The snow's changing. Pearly, white... innocent. Silence in a hurry without a worry. Light, whole, covered. Oh! I can almost feel your warmth on my feverish body.

The snow's hiding. Always. Awaking. The silence. Nostalgia comes to life. Over. And over. Again. And I'm still yearning.

Illusive whiteness covers the ground on the happiest of them all. Fantastic. Festive. Familiar. Where there are joyful faces, lit with expectation, lit with innocence and hope. Where there is wishful thinking and dreaming, perhaps, for the daylight to make all their needs into flesh and blood. Flesh. And blood.

On the happiest of them all, the fog, the dim light, the cold silent darkness is subduing the image. My image.

On the happiest of them all, my bones ache and my muscles are tearing. I apologize. For you to have remembered the features of my face. For kind, soft words we've spoken so many times. For being the representation of a lot less than you deserve.

I apologize. Because I'm not strong enough and I'm giving in so soon in this fight. Because I have even thought of beginning the fight I cannot win. The light illumimated the wrong pair of eyes, the sparks you may see are just as fake as cheap Nike. Lower than feet, lower than earth to walk on, lower than even the smallest hopes that have been put upon such wavering shoulders.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried. I should have denied. Or shouldn't have lived this life.

In the bright yet seemingly so dim evening lights, the crowded city's empty.

It is lonely here without you. And yet without you I wouldn't have noticed that. Funny how the city oh-so crowded can be so hollow. Empty. Void. Blank. A white canvas. (Opportunities?)

You overflow all that space with so much vivacity. So much life. And love and warmth and playfulness! So much of you takes over so very little of this.

And lack of you is a surprise. It completely surpasses me that I'm just about to hit a lamppost, that I'll crash into people walking the opposite way. But the realization of this absence causes me to lift my sight, making me aware, perceptive. It's hard to realize, but it is needed. Only then the oceans ripple, the trees rustle, the mighty gods waver and high-flying ways are free again.

The nocturnal city oh-so crowded becomes a place of a blank. How funny is it that even though all of us are needing and pleading and seeking infinitely, all of us fail to see it's really about this... void we need to go through, let it brew till it fills us up and we're blue in anticipation of a better tomorrow. May it be harsher; with each falling mask the final aim is clearer: fill the blank.

Fall. What a funny word - fall. As in tumbling towards cold? As in slipping on a pavement? As in stumbling in your cheer?

Fall. Rainy days and melancholy. Bittersweet moments are back to haunt the lightheaded mind. Winter will be nicer; it won't be so... insecure.

Fall. And yet a rise of new beginnings. New friends, new experiences, new lives to discover. It's never too dark, even after the bright heat has gone away.

Fall. Which can be so bright. Or so very dark. It all points to you - Will you fall? Or will you rise?

Hey there, my dearest, I have something on my mind that's been spiraling through and through for some time now.

Hey there, sweet darling, I feel this clenching in my chest; it's more than a feeling - it's a physicality in its own, soaking in the guilt, the silence, the distortions.

It's hard to speak of it, when all the attempts are being absorbed into this... void. I tried to break through for quite a while, but I guess the fright is enlarged in all its might by now.

But I was not born to bow down, I'm not alive to be enslaved to the torture and the pain. It's time I untie my tongue, time to free the mind.

Dearest, I am sorry.

I am sorry for the times I called you and the phone ringing persuaded my mind that you aren't there for me.

I'm sorry for every time a thought distracted me and lead me down the path to a labyrinth, where the only way out was imagining it is all a game to you.

I still can't live with myself, knowing how I was tempted to say goodbye to you for not measuring up to the most persistant expectancies I built up on the rockiest foundations.

Seduction lured me. Pain fuelled me. Mind tricked me. And you stood strong. Hormons unbalanced me. Moon inflicted me. Weather played me like a toy. And you stayed by my side.

I guess this apology is a serenade of them all; An apology to my make-believe prince, an apology to the arms that always held me, an apology to the past and its loving encounters. You've become a punching bag for all of them.

I do keep questioning myself, if I am good enough for you. But you hold the key to that enigma. You are the only one who can decide to throw me and all we are away, or never let me go.

Silence the ringing! quieter! quieter! I can't hear myself! It's squeezing and clutching! Tugging and hurting! I can't breathe, I-I can't. Breathe! the reaper is waiting, intently staring, relishing. Yet, I linger. the enemy, do you see it? Right there! can you see it? I gotta escape the toxicity, it's infesting my mind, I'm not okay. crimson creeping up, sweat dripping down, I'm quivering, I'm perishing, Stuttering, "why is the bed shaking so wildly??" I'm seizing the world at my feet blindly, I whisper to myself, trembling ever so lightly, "B-b-breathe in, b-breathe out." "B-breathe in, breathe out." Can you see me, still fogging up my bedroom window?