The Lost Pilot

for my father, 1922-1944

Your face did not rot like the others--the co-pilot, for example, I saw him

yesterday. His face is corn- mush: his wife and daughter, the poor ignorant people, stare

as if he will compose soon. He was more wronged than Job. But your face did not rot

like the others--it grew dark, and hard like ebony; the features progressed in their

distinction. If I could cajole you to come back for an evening, down from your compulsive

orbiting, I would touch you, read your face as Dallas, your hoodlum gunner, now,

with the blistered eyes, reads his braille editions. I would touch your face as a disinterested

scholar touches an original page. However frightening, I would discover you, and I would not

turn you in; I would not make you face your wife, or Dallas, or the co-pilot, Jim. You

could return to your crazy orbiting, and I would not try to fully understand what

it means to you. All I know is this: when I see you, as I have seen you at least

once every year of my life, spin across the wilds of the sky like a tiny, African god,

I feel dead. I feel as if I were the residue of a stranger's life, that I should pursue you.

My head cocked toward the sky, I cannot get off the ground, and, you, passing over again,

fast, perfect, and unwilling to tell me that you are doing well, or that it was mistake

that placed you in that world, and me in this; or that misfortune placed these worlds in us.