as i sit on my bathroom floor
the bubbling inside me subsides
as i let the warm water caress me
i cry

i let it flow out
i let the ocean waves of pain flow
i don't tell anybody about my showers
it's the only time i get
to think
to wonder
to feel

to feel the words said
or thought about me
to feel the looks and sounds engulf me
i let myself cry

but i don't cry normally anymore
after days
weeks
months
years
if holding in the pain
i can't cry

no tears fall down my cheeks
my eyes don't turn red
i don't breathe steadily though
it's shaky
and that's when it happens

i just sit
and think
and believe
i'll be okay one day
that i'll go up on a stage and tell my story
on how i'm broken
and my 2 AM tears
and the pain
and the crying
and the panic attacks
and vomiting
and self harm
and mental tests
and prescriptions
and doctors
and pleas of help

i'll tell them all
from the time i began crying on the outside
to the inside
the time i wanted to die
the time pain won relief
i'll tell them all
but for now
i go unnamed
in a world where i just want to be heard
for me to stop crying on either side
to be happy
to be known