cry

as i sit on my bathroom floor the bubbling inside me subsides as i let the warm water caress me i cry

i let it flow out i let the ocean waves of pain flow i don't tell anybody about my showers it's the only time i get to think to wonder to feel

to feel the words said or thought about me to feel the looks and sounds engulf me i let myself cry

but i don't cry normally anymore after days weeks months years if holding in the pain i can't cry

no tears fall down my cheeks my eyes don't turn red i don't breathe steadily though it's shaky and that's when it happens

i just sit and think and believe i'll be okay one day that i'll go up on a stage and tell my story on how i'm broken and my 2 AM tears and the pain and the crying and the panic attacks and vomiting and self harm and mental tests and prescriptions and doctors and pleas of help

i'll tell them all from the time i began crying on the outside to the inside the time i wanted to die the time pain won relief i'll tell them all but for now i go unnamed in a world where i just want to be heard for me to stop crying on either side to be happy to be known