Living On — Summary

Dave BontaContemplative

Consider what one might learn by meditating on a corpse: how the flesh can crawl, the bones of a beautiful face break the crust of fantasy like little moons out of the ground, vacant snail-shells still glistening with an off-white rheum. Or consider swallowing two squares of LSD & looking in the mirror: what perfectly disintegrating visions might be yours, & with what slight effort.

It’s exhilarating, really, to find this blind matter – that it somehow coheres despite its utter insensitivity to longing or loneliness. It gives itself only half-grudgingly to the chance mouths of the shark or the brown bear. True horror comes disguised as cold necessity: learning about cells in the fourth grade, our bodies began to dissolve into prisons or office towers populated by soft- walled cubicles. Then atoms: solar systems with pin-prick suns, barely enclosed eternities of inner space. The schoolroom clock made a mockery of turning.

To know that emptiness, they suggested, was to know ourselves. They could have said that matter is incredibly rare, a temporary resting state for energy. They could have told us about fictons, their mad spinning that somehow keeps the lover’s caress from encountering a null set, bodies collapsing into a shrug of cold fusion. What a comfort it would’ve been, maybe, to learn about the stubborn corpse rippling outward for millions of years, if only in bone shards or a line of footprints in some fossilized beach that come to a sudden end: indelible record of buoyancy, & the killer wave.

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The speaker looks hard at what we are made of and finds it both thrilling and frightening. The poem begins with a decaying corpse and a hallucinogenic trip, two ways of watching the human body come apart. Matter, the speaker says, holds together despite having no feeling for our longing or loneliness. The real horror isn't gore but "cold necessity," like learning in school that we are made of cells and atoms, mostly empty space, with the clock mocking any sense of turning time.

In the last stanza the tone softens into a kind of wistful regret. The speaker imagines teachers telling a different story: that matter is rare, and that a lover's touch is somehow sustained by invisible forces. Even a dead body, they suggest, might have been a comfort, leaving traces for millions of years. The closing image of footprints ending at a fossilized beach holds joy and disaster together. The mood is curious, unsettled, and strangely tender.

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