day by day

i try to be be me, myself and no one else try to be the best version of myself, that there ever can and will be there's moments moments in which i feel as though i am in control but i am not because after, follow the moments in which i notice that i never was and never will be in control it's my mind, that's in control i hate myself so much, that i want to destroy myself i hate my mind so much, that i question whether it deserves its place on earth sometimes and then i hate myself a bit more for hating myself because i want to be strong for others for her, who sometimes needs me so desperately for them, who might think i'm a freak for that reason, i put on a smile everyday and joke about the most random things i do it all for others i don't live because i want to be alive i live because i need to be alive in order for her to be happy i live because i'm afraid that what they say is true that someday it will all be better even though it gets worse day by day