A dream I think I once had — Summary

You smoked a cigarette beside me in the passenger seat of my car in the dark, in the park one night

a lifetime ago.

You said: “We are born, we do stuff & then we die.

That’s all…

I wish I could, but I just can’t make myself care that much anymore…”

Spectral blue curls billowed out from between the clumsy teeth inside of your beautiful mouth, & attempted to dance with those lengths of false-coloured hair you absently caressed.

You had an affinity for dysfunction, you told me:

“I thrive among the broken things”

& I remember thinking that it was fucked-up how much I wished I was more fucked-up than I already was.

I wanted too much:

I wanted your love.

Nothing else seemed important, not the the future, not improvement, not hope or the vast tracts of free & unfettered time that lay before us.

Eventually, I drove you home.

Nothing much had happened yet somehow it still felt significant.

After you had left me, as I sat staring into the darkness, the smell of smoke & your presence lingered

& I was overcome by sensation so intense, that all that has followed since

feels like dull disappointment…

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The speaker remembers a night in a parked car, sitting beside someone he was drawn to while she smoked and talked. She shrugs off life as something we do until we die, says she can't make herself care anymore, and claims she thrives among broken things. The speaker doesn't argue. Instead he admits, a little ashamed, that he wished he were even more damaged so he could match her.

What stands out is how little actually happens. He drives her home, and that's it. Yet the memory has stayed vivid: the blue smoke curling toward her dyed hair, the smell that lingers after she's gone. The speaker's feeling is a raw, wanting kind of love, strong enough to push aside thoughts of the future or hope. The mood is hazy and wistful, like a half-remembered dream (as the title suggests). The ending is the saddest part: that single night felt so intense that everything since seems dull by comparison.

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