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Dave Bonta
where we met on occasion
mining abuses for very small stones
locked up in the dirt
the fields could not carry our bodies
lost and dangerous
whole places blown away
or driven here and there
like ships of lack
in a dead hour they take abuse
for their entertainment
a gentleman must lie
his mouth itching to bite
and the ways so full of people
present a great stomach
talking about abuse
I see myself
served by every body
the only oven
a horse head in a tree
showed me the whole mystery of abuse
we understand backward
dying more of envy than true love
kill other persons
but let the rules be
No children of my own, I thought
they all laughed that way—
teasing, cruel. Some poor scapegoat
forced to ingest god knows what.
Cleaning the dormitories, scrubbing
the blood from the shower walls,
my stomach contracts like a fist
around a blank coin.
Tomorrow, the soles of the state
inspector’s shoes will squeak
against spit-shiny floors.
He’ll hear nothing else. But today
I move backwards down the corridor
with the mop steering from side to side,
its wet locks dragging
an endless river of filth.
I feel so little
I feel so weak
His words sting
My cheeks feel hot, but my face is pale.
My eyes are blurry I can not see
My heart is beating as if a swarm of bees were attacking me I think that's why it stings
My bones are brittle they're easy to break
My head needs clearing I can't think.
My hands are shaking I can't even write.
It's loud in this room, people are yelling, people are screaming at me. Everyone is crying or maybe that's just the voices in my head, telling me that I need some sense
He makes me feel so little
I keep apologizing hoping that he understands I mean it. Hoping he will notice that I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong but I know a sorry it to come from me.
Stay quiet
Mentally
Exhausted,
Not Living On The Inside,
Temporarily
Alone,
Living On The Outside.
And
Busted
Up In
Side.
Eternally Gone.
Fists,
Beating,
My back.
Parent,
Continues,
To attack.
Mother,
Runs,
Away.
Father,
Continues,
The pain.
And then,
It's over,
They smile.
Offer me,
Stabbing,
A corpse.
Burying,
A zombie.
Sleeping,
Through day.
Hurling,
Abuse.
Fighting,
Yourself.
Remembering,
Regrets.
Forgetting,
Tomorrow.
Hating,
Ghosts.
heartwrenching, piercing sobs shook his shoulders.
eyes clenched,
snot running down his face,
he heaved out every pain she ever inflicted on him.
insults.
threats.
bruises.
rape.
and i sat there, burning holes into the wall.
i couldn't even find the will to move.
how can i be any better than her when all i do is nothing?
how can he think i am anything worth his time?
Stop blaming me because I can't get high grades
Stop comparing me to my other cousins
Stop saying that Im so far from you when you were a teen
Stop comparing that you're more beautiful than me
Stop dictating me whom partner should I choose
Stop bullying me to my classmates
Stop making me feel so small
Stop controlling me that I can't even hang out my cousins
Stop comparing me to other girls
Stop unders estimating me
Stop blaming me when you have a bad days
Stop blaming me everything was my fault
Stop being insecure
Stop arguing me when crisis comes
I tried.
Use me
Abuse me
As long as you love me I'm yours
I'll wait
And I'll crash
As long as you love me I'm yours
I'll cry for you
And try for you
As long as you love me I'm yours
Lately I've been feeling down
About the state we're in
It's a hill I'll try to climb
As long as you love me I'm yours
Eat me up and spit me out
Say you're sad again
Bleed me dry til I run out