I crouch down to get a book from a low shelf
& the room swims
I steady myself with both hands
at that very moment on the other side of the ocean
you are waking from a five-hour nap
it’s 1:00 a.m.
a cat or a fox has just screamed in your garden
your dog wakes with you
follows you downstairs
we talk
the five hours between us momentarily erased
you ask what the bible means by the phrase
in the fullness of time
your hair’s still in a bun
pierced by a pair of chopsticks
Two crickets call
nearly in unison.
Fireflies rise blinking
from the grass.
It’s the new moon
& the summer solstice:
a dark night, but short.
Heat lightning
on the horizon.
The humid air like silk,
like an unwound cocoon:
will we be cool enough
to sleep? Already
I hear the beginning
of a low growl.
In dark December, sink
into the memory of childhood
like a bog man into the peat.
Drink too much & sing.
Gather all your small griefs,
your long-bearded regrets
& grotesque humiliations,
dress them in red & set
them to hammering. This is
the season of fresh starts
& the slaughter of innocents.
Remember to cut air holes
in the top crust & don’t stint
on butter. Wear sensible boots.
Go out into the long night
& learn the names of the stars.
not knowing
what’s around the next bend
five-year-old me
the headless hunter’s
lantern on moonless nights
in her quavery voice
more frightening
than our neighbor’s ghost stories
those wooden legs
I still look for her house
but there’s just the red privy
its vacant hole
Let him continue
in the ground, he
who is now dead,
where all things hurry—
a strange company
who seem to speak.
Let the pursers and clerks
make up their accounts,
the parson rest, and
the great night come
to sit with night.
Sleeping along side with you felt like a continuous dream,
Their voice mellow and croaky as well as tired
Your accent would slur as if you were drunk,
And your breaths sounded like wind chimes on a early Saturday morning,
The night would feel like watching a black and white movie, everything was colorless until I heard you look if I was still there with you
Now every night I lay awake and having sleepless hours, wanting to see the colors you shared with me once more.
Wanting to hear your bedtime stories about your life,
Wanting to feel your hot breath on my skin while we sleep,
All I can wish for now is to hear your mellow croak of the first breath you take once you wake.
We sat there explaining about our lives,
What gave us joy and happiness
What made us feel like the lowest in our lives,
And what brought us tears to our eyes
You told me I must cry a lot
I agreed with you
Yes maybe I'm just sensitive I thought
After a while of talking I realized that later in life
You'd be the reason why I'd cry every night.
The little voices in my head
Remind me daily that I should be dead
The little whispers say I'm just biding time
With a life that's no longer mine
Memories I've tried to forget
Hardly ever resurface, I have no regret
A past that dark doesn't deserve to live
Fuck anyone who says to forgive
These little voices know me the very best
We've been through it all and beat every test
The devil even wonders why he can't claim me
But you can't reclaim something that's already yours, you see
A dark little plague that walks this Earth
I was cursed upon the day of my birth
The scars I have they come so readily
The fate I have rests just as heavily
It was a beautiful summer night
That lead me down to the rivers edge
To test the temperature of the water
It told me stories with it's flowing noise
That seemed to comfort my beating heart
Tranquil was the surface that spoke to my soul
Reflecting the stars in it's smooth surface
I thought for a moment I could rest in peace
In the gaze of the sky watching over me
A moment so brief that it could have just been a shadow
I thought for a moment that I could have just blinked
The amazing beauty held before my very eyes
Even with it dark it was still such a sight
The color as dark as an ink is black
All void of nothingness but beautiful even still
When I awaken,
I look next to me,
Uncertain of who you are,
I begin to shudder,
The surrounding room unrecognizable,
Not cognizant of how I arrived,
My memory lacking all the details,
Not fully knowing what happened last night,
Worries run rampant,
As I try to sneak out,
Hoping I used protection,
Yet feeling much doubt,
Out the door I walk,
Hopeful it’s nothing but a thing of the past,
Praying you don’t call,
That I never bump into you again,
I should be sleeping
But I'm up thinking about you.
The darkness is filled with wonderful things, that people who sleep cannot see.