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Dave Bonta
hear him speak of release
the prison guard
an epicure of secrets
an unsafe door
a messenger from their last
day in the world
Melting snow reveals old secrets.
Two spots of blood
have reemerged in the yard.
Wrinkles appear—
long, dark faultlines
from differential settling.
I know you,
I mutter to myself.
We’ve been here before.
"S/He likes to call everyone s/he meets a friend.
That kid that smiled at him/her in the hall?
His/Her new bestie.
S/He's very outgoing,
And gets into trouble sometimes.
Likes to use ADD/ADHD and his/her mental health as an excuse for things.
And thinks that he/she's a gender she/he's not.
But he/she's a bit better now."
Am I, or did I learn to hide it from you better?
you tell me your secrets
and all i say back are lies
the prompt stared at me big and bold
random letters on a thin sheet of paper
small and inconsequential
"What do you want to be different in your life in five years? How would you change it?"
normally i bullshit my way through these essays
basic cookie-cutter answers guaranteed every year
that deflect what's really in my
soul
but this time i was honest with myself
and strangers who'd never really know me
bound by anonymity
my mother found it in the mail
re-sent with a letter of congratulations
and i spent that night
bruised and scolded
reminded once again that feelings are meant to be buried deep down
if i had the words
i would tell you everything.
IM FINE
Im not fine. Please help me
IM JUST TIRED
I cant take this anymore
I ALREADY ATE
I starve myself
GO AWAY
show me you care enough to stay
IM JUST COLD
I dont want you to see my scars
IM BETTER, I PROMISE
Ive never been this bad
IM OKAY
I just want to die.
You tell me nothing's wrong
But I see right through that lie
You say "go away" and "it's private"
hoping I don't know what's going on
But I know,
what it's all about.
You pretend that nothing goes wrong,
trying not to hurt me,
but I know, and it hurts.
It kills me inside,
makes me feel useless to you,
if not a toy.
Yet I pretend that nothing's wrong,
I carry on my normal life.
I say nothing's wrong,
and you can't see through my wall
some thoughts are better left unsaid,
some thoughts are special enough that i think
if i were to share them to the wrong person
i'd spend my life, trying to get that thought back.
If you say you don't have any secret
You really have the real one.
Its even secret from yourself.
You are that secretive that you never told yourself.
You said they were brook trout —
Those fairy blades of sun and moonlight
You so gravely lifted out
One by one from your basket on the grass.
And I held up two handfuls
Of pink and green and white
For everyone to see,
And called the colors by a name,
Wood-anemone.
But of all those little dreams in cups
Left brimming over on the moss,
And of that big, breathless one
We leaned across
The fallen willow to give back again
To deep and shoal —
We never said a word,
I understood the rest too well,
And all their thoughts have come to be
Clear as grey sea-weed in the swell
Of a sunny shallow sea.
But you I never understood,
Your spirit's secret hides like gold
Sunk in a Spanish galleon
Ages ago in waters cold.