cloverthoughts

whatever cheesy feeling they talk about feeling in movies i feel it with you. from the first time i saw you, to every time since then. i never knew a true home until i found your arms. and now i never wanna leave. the butterflies in my stomach, mixed with my heart beat tell me one thing. and my brain knowing it can't be this way forever say another. i wish i knew a way to change time, or fast forward it because i'd make sure you were my future. because i know when i look into your eyes, i feel it when i'm with you. i know when you say say that you're mine, i feel it with you. i feel as though time punishes us. when we can be with each other time moves faster than ever. but when we can't time moves slower than ever. i wish i could freeze a moment. and stay there forever. but don't we all.

we've yet to be anything but strangers, though you promise that will change. and every time you say it, i loose a little more faith. we came so close, so how were we so far from knowing that in the end we'd drift away with the currents, like every other day maybe i have a thing for getting so close, for loving someone who's incapable of loving me, for giving my all and getting nothing in return. with that being said, it's all i know. all i've ever known were, empty promises, and lies. it should be no surprise that i fall for these types of guys. the ones who give you just enough attention to keep you attached. and you fall for it. telling yourself; it'll be different, i won't put my heart in it this time, i'm prepared. but you never are. you always realize when it's too late. or maybe it's the chase.

Days on end, sitting in a room full of people. Not indulging in anyone but myself. Why would i? No one here knows me or cares to try. endless days. "I won't forget" I say with my head flooded with thoughts. thoughts of not being enough, not having enough material items, and not giving enough. though i try to be the best version of myself, the truth is i'm a replica of my parents. Another day. Living. Not for myself. And not as myself. Because i don't deserve it, but the few people who do try to care deserve everything. though i'm not 'everything' I'll still stay. so they don't know the pain i've experienced. Someone you love dying while you're on bad terms. And missing someone you grew up with, will hurt wether you were close or not. today and tomorrow. I live to be someone's "everything" as myself one day.

so many things left unsaid. so many words left unspoken. your voice plays on repeat in my head, but somehow i fear i'm forgetting you. forgetting your voice, your smile, your presence. until someone says "remember when" and there i am. 9 years old dancing with you in the kitchen. with no clue what my life would become, and how disappointed you would be. the only thing i knew was you chose to be there with me. so many words were said, but never the right ones. never the ones that needed to be said. i was so young with the thought that life would pardon me from pain. i was sadly mistaken. life will never pardon you no matter what you don't say or do, and no matter what you do say or do. it could all be different or gone in a matter of seconds. the only thing that taught me was don't get too attached, and live with no regrets. because i regret so much. and i'm not even dead.

life is like a boxing match you can't seem to win, you get so close. you have your enemy pinned just for a second. and then they pull a sneak attack, wrapping you by the leg flipping you so you're back on the bottom once again. i'm so tired of fighting. exhausted of getting so close, yet going nowhere. so i gave my last fight my all, and end up in the same position as every other time. taking a deep breathe, inhaling all the sweat and tears from the fight i let myself go. i've surrendered to the ring.

Im fine. Im okay. That's what i say through the tears that are obviously streaming down my face. And i try, I promise i try so hard to make them stop. But for some reason most of the time im just not strong enough. I feel like the most useless waste of air, All i do is drown in my sorrow, more like wish i could drown. Or evaporate. When someone used to ask me what my dream superpower was i would say the ability to read minds. But now if someone asked me that i would simply say, the ability to evaporate. To not feel anything for any amount of time at all.

Just when you think, life couldn't get any worse, you try to end it. Just to be forced to breathe again.

you can tell me you love me all you want, but i'll never believe you. too many people have said it that haven't truly meant it. now i'm numb to the 4 letter word