people like me tend to kill themselves
it's something about being creative and sad
i'm trapped in a run down room which is
plastered in black x's and blood stains
dried clumps of mud and crushed beer cans
you know, i could really use a hug right now
it's really cold in this room, it's 63 degrees
there's another girl in this room but not really
she's suffering from the same thing i am
i do not want a hug from her
there's something so familiar about death
it's not pretty i promise so please don't try it
there's no blinding light, no angels, no white
it's a brown and black and a greyish blue
and worst of all there's no one to hug you
i grab the sides of the tub, pull my head up
the kid in the mirror ripped my wisdom teeth out
makes me wish i was just dinner for the maggots
i'll stare into his eyes and pick at the tile's grout
i hate the little kid who made me hate my curls
bathtub of blood where i emerge a new person
paraiba for eyes because blue is your favourite
ivory teeth, made from the sacrifice of sleep
straightforward stare, never turning to profile
sallow complexion from staying in bed for days
coral lipstick to prove what i am to the mirror
my thighs burning with the pressure of the world
i want my wisdom teeth back, writhing in my bed
to see myself as a person, not a mass of flaws
blood navigates the spaces between my teeth
Just like that, you were there.
All at once.
And just like that, everything came back to me.
All the memories, the words, the feeling of your touch against my skin, the late nights when all I wanted to hear was your voice, the secrets we shared, the fights.
All at once.
You brought me back together, took the pieces that were broken and made them semi-whole again.
But you brought it all crashing down.
All at once.
One moment can define us for the rest of our lives.
One moment can secure our future or destroy it.
One moment can fill you with happiness,
One moment can cloud you with the coldness of misery.
One moment can break a friendship.
One moment can change your life.
One moment can give you something you've only dreamed of having.
One moment can make things into a mess.
One moment is how we fell apart.
After a while, things stop getting cute, not an enjoyable
Show.
Ups and downs, twist and turns, yet somehow I always came back to you and you to
Me.
No calls, no messages, no signal
That
Would at lest give me some idea if I still mattered.
You
Talk all big, saying things that I waited so long for you to say.
You tell me that you
Care.
But honestly? That's getting harder and harder to believe.
You're
Someone that I constantly thinking about.
Plaguing my head, invading my thoughts.
Small fantasies and dreams of us that slowly start
Breaking.
My heart, once mine, has started to betray
Me,
Going to war with my mind.
Telling me to forget you, to embrace you.
Two sides, ripping, tearing me
Apart,
All because of my feelings. My feelings of you.
I met you.
I remember because it was a day of competition and the day of my first audition.
I sat next to a childhood friend and you were there,
We talked about books and how much we loved them.
Things were good then.
One Year Ago Today,
We were both hung up on someone.
They had made us feel special in their own ways.
We thought they would be in our hearts forever,
But they aren't now.
One Year Ago Today,
We didn't know that we would grow close somehow.
Maybe it was all the late night talks or how meaningful they were.
I don't know why.
One Year Ago Today,
Something sparked,
You came to me with your problems.
I came to you with mine.
We used to talk all the time.
But now,
That went away.
You closed up.
Shut me out.
I couldn't reach you anymore.
It wasn't like I could help you anyways.
But at least I tried.
But I can no longer anymore.
Because I am unwanted and unneeded.
I couldn't help before.
And I definitely can't help now.
After all.
Am.
I offered you my hand.
You reached out for it.
And stopped.
You couldn't take it.
Why is that?
Why is that I'm ready to give you my everything and you're not?
It's not fair.
I'm ready to sacrifice, to throw myself away for you.
Yet you won't do the same.
I'm starting to doubt.
Are you really worth it?
Because it sure doesn't seem like you are.
You've hurt me too much.
I've been ignored.
I've been given pain.
I'm now confused and depressed.
I have so many things that I could say.
Every time you made me sad.
Cry.
Or mad.
But I choked them back and made an excuse.
Do you know what happened to those words that were never said?
They became the tears I cried every night.
If I died right now.
At this very moment.
Would you care for me then?
With dog and chance I trudge winter matins
in search, and sure, of hearing her council:
such force cannot vanish into ash
or soil. Though we took turns with the shovel,
I set out expectant, lark-a-fledge,
with dog and chance. I trudge winter matins
and take her pace through sleeping village,
sure this way returns me to her love:
such force cannot vanish into ash.
Though I dropped dirt onto her coffin,
her voice sounds in my muscle
when, with dog and chance I trudge winter matins.
And so I find her, as I walk in dark dampness—
as if she too falls from clouds above—
with dog and chance, as I trudge winter matins.
Such force did not vanish into ash.