I asked for life advice today-
It's rare I ask for help-
And it felt like I was given something I wanted:
Someone to listen to me.
My siblings hardly listen;
They hear and tone me out.
The last time my dad listened to me
He said he'd never accept my gender.
My mother acted like it was fine,
But if it was she'd never show me that stupid post-
A 'Why Gender Matters' post.
It was like a punch to the stomach,
Both of them being transphobic.
I came out at SIXTEEN-
That's a hard time to be alive.
Cause I also had depression,
Stiff was the stringed bow as it was laid to rest
Upon the pile of ferns after a long hard test
The quiver empty and the arrow about
The beast had fought, yes it was stout
A hunger had settled upon my community
Til it was left only to me to do what I could see
To make it through the winter
A puff of smoke from my mouth stood starkly in the air
Reminded me of last night's frost and the snow in my daughter's hair
It's not a woman's place to hunt for her families table
A husband lost to a war so unstable
The blood stood bright against the white of the snow
Warm almost comforting against the sudden cold
I cut and I skinned right straight to the bone
The reminisce of your storm still shook
In my soul,
But I learned to take shelter
In my own heart.
I am young with the body of an old temple
The fact that you could not break me down
Is what scared you away.
Pain cuts like a knife,
Hard for me to breathe.
Knowing what happen,
Enable to believe.
Losing almost everything,
When he walked out the door.
Heart shattered to pieces,
Smashing to the floor.
Picking myself up,
After laying on the tile.
Overcome with hatred.
Feeling so vile.
Thoughts racing fast,
Zooming right by.
Many points in my life,
I wanted to die.
A single-file line is formed,
Before marching in unison,
With matching suits and ties,
All following our leaders,
With hair slicked back similarly,
Our scents reminiscent of one another’s,
All eyes looking straight ahead,
No hesitation is shown,
Trained for the same mission,
Trained for the same goal,
Brainwashed into submission,
Containing no thoughts of our own,
Taught that it was moral,
Taught that it was just,
That it would be best for our families,
That it would be best for ourselves,
Twisting and turning
Speeding and slowing
Through the labyrinth of streets
Braving the noise, the crowds
Boxed in by tall buildings
The bike rushes as if to escape-
Suffocated, nearly strangled.
It climbs a flyover
Higher, over the lowly lot
A blooming Gulmohar
By the side, smiling
And then – a patch of sky –
Bright, white
And farther, a deep blue.
I knew the miles
before the markers, I found the west
by walking with the sun. I said,
there are lizards in my blood,
there is sandstone in my teeth.
I said, I am the light's daughter,
I am a cactus wren.
This is my home among the thorns.
I said to trees, to starlight,
I said to graves and streets and men,
and you said,
Girlchild, I live too far out in the desert.
I whispered into corners, I wove into
papyrus: I am the light's daughter,
I am a cactus wren,
I raised my hand from lifetimes of loving,
Eyes fluttering,
Open.
Hands beginning,
Movement.
Blurry,
Surroundings.
Unsure,
Choices.
Aching, stiff,
Bones.
From being,
Broke.
Years of,
Slumber.
No real,
Number.
Open your eyes and you see me.
Take off your disguise and so will I.
Look around and see the world.
It's not perfect harmony but it works.
With every decision you must risk something.
Till there is nothing left but to risk yourself.
Put your heart in a blender and watch it spin into a beautiful oblivion.
they were made to be heroes:
to fight with steel teeth and iron bones,
to sacrifice for the sake of others,
to love mankind as a whole.
they were made to be martyrs:
to dull over time the way old and worn things do,
to bend and warp from overuse,
to die in the name of fate.
and they will;
until there is nothing left, they will give everything.
As I lay drowning in a pool of your lies
I whispered our love story to the lady of the waters
She listened to my every word, dried my broken tears
I became to love her softness and gentle womanhood
I pledged to her my honor and respect above all others
To treat her as my family
A sister, aunt and Mother