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Dave Bonta
my breath in the window
of the bookseller’s
some books sing
some give me a home
I don’t remember the dream that woke me, just that it seemed suddenly very important to breathe, and to go on breathing. To go on, despite fear, loneliness or depression. I thought of a stone I’d found on a walk that was too charismatic to just toss aside but which I knew I had no reason to keep, since I’m in the process of moving out (or was, before the pandemic hit). I put it in my pocket, and a moment later took it out again and set it down beside the trail for some child to find, with its red mineral heart outlined in yellow. I thought of Charles Simic’s definition of a stone as a mirror that works poorly.
brachiate
as if my lungs too
might leaf out
Trees sway like drunks
in a sudden gust of wind—
the clacking of their branches.
The whole hillside
is in motion around me,
standing here with my head cold
almost gone.
How marvelous it is
just to breathe.
Each finger burrows
into its own sleep.
One or two twitch but
the thumb lies still
as an anchor.
Come morning, those
that dreamed will blossom;
the others will leaf out.
And I who kept them warm
will rise like rain in
a tall tale & take root
in a cloud of your breath,
so soft, so sea-worthy.
Sleeping along side with you felt like a continuous dream,
Their voice mellow and croaky as well as tired
Your accent would slur as if you were drunk,
And your breaths sounded like wind chimes on a early Saturday morning,
The night would feel like watching a black and white movie, everything was colorless until I heard you look if I was still there with you
Now every night I lay awake and having sleepless hours, wanting to see the colors you shared with me once more.
Wanting to hear your bedtime stories about your life,
Wanting to feel your hot breath on my skin while we sleep,
All I can wish for now is to hear your mellow croak of the first breath you take once you wake.
It's terrifying.
It's like the world is collapsing on your lungs,
But you're still taking in air.
Yet at the same time, you're getting in enough air,
And it's getting rid of it that's the problem.
Hell.
That's panic attacks in one word.
And even though I've only ever had two,
I know that no one wants them.
I've never been more scared of my body
Than I was in those moments.
The worst part about the second one?
My mind wasn't panicked.
I was okay mentally,
But couldn't stop my body.
I had to put on a hoodie,
He’s worse than a placebo
genetically enhanced to
make my heart race,
make adrenalin rush;
engrave feelings so
Raw
I can’t breathe.
In one slight stroke
all privy revealed
all truths
Known.
And I love it.
In one heart-wrenching movement
exhilaration overtakes all feeling.
The air would feel stuffy,
entwined in soft threads of intensity,
I am listening.
The loudest, the most persistent
is the hum of the ceiling fan.
Cawing crows
Horning cars, rumbling trucks
Voices from across the street
Parvati moving about in the next room -
And the slow intake of breath into my lungs.
I turn my ears inward.
Conscious of myself tapping at the keyboard
The cursor blinking.
The little black line, going on and off
On and off, on and off
And waiting, patient.
I am emptying my mind – or so I would like to believe.
Breathing is necessary.
A vital role for our survival.
Inhale, Exhale.
Breathe In, breathe out.
Living on the other hand is
Optional.
Although, one might even argue
That by virtue breathing is living,
Hell I'd be lying if I agree;
For example, someone who's lying
Brain dead in a hospital bed and hooked up to a machine is breathing.
Is that in any way living?
Because even if I'm breathing,
I might not be living.
I might not be living because I might've been dying.
I might've been dying becauseI have had it;
i wish there was a rulebook that tells you how to be
and what to talk about when it is time to talk about it
and what to do when you should take action
because every step i take
every breath that leaves these lungs
is wrong
as long as you breathe
i won't be able to
i don't care if the whole world considers me a villain
they could all die and i wouldn't blink
but my darling, when it's you
my heart shatters and the broken shards pierce my
lungs with each breath