Days on end,
sitting in a room full of people.
Not indulging in anyone but myself.
Why would i?
No one here knows me or cares to try.
endless days.
"I won't forget"
I say with my head flooded with thoughts.
thoughts of not being enough,
not having enough material items,
and not giving enough.
though i try to be the best version of myself, the truth is i'm a replica of my parents.
Another day.
Living.
Not for myself.
And not as myself.
it's a wonderful thing
when you realise you aren't alone in this world
no matter how empty and depressed you feel
someone else has, or is going through it
sadness draws an invisible line
tying all the 3 am screamers together
when you all realise together that you are all going through the same thing
the most beautiful thing on this Earth happens
it may only last a second
or it may last an hour
but it stays with everyone involved for eternity
you all care for each other
you let the tears and smiles flow freely
because you know you won't be judged, as everyone else is doing the same
so when you feel like the world has shunned you away from everyone
just know that you are all shunned together
The heart bleeds
The body longs
The mind yearns
It has been too long since I last saw your face
Your eyes – deep and intense
Your smile – innocent and kind
We found comfort in each other’s loneliness
But we didn’t stand a chance
Our love ran deep
But our roots were too easily pulled apart
We had our pasts
But we looked to the future
I can count on one hand the amount of times we saw each other
And how many of those that weren’t forbidden is even less
And then, suddenly, you were gone…
It has been many years since our eyes met across the room
Day 2nd
I turn on my music playlist
Searching for playlist called "Depression at Its Peak"
I know the title sounds too corny, but what the hell, my playlist, my rules
I try to sing alongside with the singers, enjoying those scar filled songs
Those kind of songs you will call "It's really me"
When the singers sing the low note, I try to tone my voice down
I suddenly feel blue
When the singers sing the high note, I try to tone my voice up
I suddenly feel hyped up
It's magical yet creepy,
How songs can manipulate your moods, your feelings,
when you visualize the meaning behind those music notes, in your abstract mind
It's fascinating yet unnerving,
Everytime I put the lights off
I don't know how the darkness gets to me, it's just comes naturally like how the earth revolves around the sun.
I think of the things that happened to me during the day,
sometimes absolutely nothing happens,
sometimes I'm dissed by my own people,
Sometimes I'm treated like I'm non-exsistent
And then
There is this 10% of times where something actually good happens .
I don't know when
but there was a point in time
where I stopped lying about
having no one else.
Eating disorder
Binging on the crumbs of my
own insanity
Refrigerator
door is closed for now but I
peep in for comfort
Loneliness is my
best friend beside the
loaf of disappointed fear
Never thought that I
would make a career out of
Losing weight again
Remembering I
have a solution beyond
the thinness of my own soul
Picking up a bite
No words can begin to describe
How I feel on days like this
Like unwanted mixed with salt
Like pepper on a burn
Hated. Why am I around?
A 'nuisance' to those
Who are mean to care
Like hot curry drowning in tears
An ice bath on a cold day
Locked away writing fears
Bound to come out sometime
Like smelly feet in a clean world
Or a mutt surrounded
In a pedigree show
Uncared for when all I want is love
Pushed away in my 'home'
a boy and a girl
walked out a room
in silence they walked
down the stairs
to the door
in silence they went out
and went separate ways
it is at this moment
the boy said out loud
"I wish people would just talk to me"
little did he know,
20 metres back
a certain girl said just that
In my room
On the top of my dresser
Sits a clock
It does not work
But still tries
To tick toc
When I'm lonely
I look at it
The smallest hand
Struggling to move
Paused on only one time
I think it might be an omen
That maybe
I need to move on
But from what?
A question
They say it's a story
By starting with
Such a line
But I can't help
To think that maybe
That's a lie
It happened
So it should be
Once upon a time
Though maybe it
All is made up
Perhaps we aren't
Even here
The people you meet
The memories you've had
That is truly
In the room farther away
than a window
I am alone
taken of myself
cross-steps
reach the other
side is all I must
and I am alone
to dissolve rocks under
my naked eyes
cornered aslant
this wall huge with sleep
feeds on dark air
and I am alone
how still the mouth
of desire