Somewhere in your corners deep,
Lies my love's first letter to me.
Somewhere in your corners deep,
Lies my dreams smothered dead.
Somewhere, hidden, swaddled in clothes
Trembles my fears, dark and black.
Somewhere, among the faded silks
A chempaka flower, fragrance faint.
These books that you hold for me,
These clothes that you keep for me,
These souvenirs of my forgotten past
These remnants of my self, uncared for.
One day, not long after have I left,
Somebody would sweep it all off,
Give you a new coat and polish your glass.
New clothes, new dreams, sparkles of a new life
All this talk of love, love lost
Joys and sorrows -
Of inexplicable thoughts
Of death; worse, fear of death –
Its fine for a solitary afternoon
Or a late night when you have
The freedom to brood…
All you have to do is to regurgitate
The stale memories.
Though the utter pointlessness of the exercise
Hits one like a blast of cold air
And one shudders as the blizzard
Of loneliness shrouds the self.
Jilt, spurn, thwart or ditch
A tilt, a twist, a sense of falling overboard
A sense of the world turning upside down
A sense of hanging on a tree like a bat.
Stunned – a sense of impact
As if hit full on the face
Shattered- and you hear the crashing glass
The blast of the blowtorch – devastated.
In the lonely evenings all you can do
Is to bend down and look bewildered
At your world lying in smithereens
And listen to the silent screams
Of your heart.
He moved swiftly, through the little gap
Between the door ajar and the wall
Hiding then, behind the desk, presumably
Catching his breath - but soon as I pulled the desk back
Like lightning, he took cover behind the pile of papers.
I grinned at him, he was young and little, a juvenile, and said -
'Gotcha, my boy' and with a quick brush of the broom
Escorted him out into the glaring sun.
That was yesterday, that was when I felt I could not stand
This suffocating sensation, the revulsion of solitude,
Yet shunning company, sans I am, of love and friendship.
Now, defeated, depressed and disconsolate, I welcomed him
As he skulked in a corner, nodding, licking his chops clean
I don’t need my games,
Don’t need my movies,
Don’t need my CDs,
You can take it all,
No need for my toys,
My pictures,
My books,
They’re yours,
My car need not exist,
My furniture either,
My TV may be thrown,
You can have it all,
Sitting by my lonesome,
Without all my things,
I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders,
I feel at peace,
Cold and dark,
Surrounded by silence,
My eyes wander,
Heart’s pounding,
A whisper in the distance,
My ears perk,
Desperate for a sound,
For an interaction,
My eyes close tightly,
Concentrating on nothing,
Hoping for signs of life,
Hoping for something,
The whisper begins to fade,
As my mouth shuts,
No longer feeling the need to speak,
To deny myself of reality,
Born into this world,
All alone,
Tears streaming down my face,
Knowing no one,
Illness isolates me,
Abuse holds me in tatters,
Shyness makes it all the more difficult,
Alone I feel at home, at church, in class,
Fearful of talking to women,
Fearful of rejection,
Fearful of opening up to others,
Alone I am in the end,
When I awake in the morning,
Go to sleep at night,
I hear the crickets chirp,
Not another soul in sight,
I stood up
Bold and brave
For myself
Copying others' ways
I followed suit
To fit in more
I just wanted friends
Not a heart sore
I was stood up
On multiple days
Left alone
In this haze
I feel so lonely
Deep inside
Not the surface
Other's wont find
With wings so very fragile.
Flutters gracefully
Without sound
So delicate,
Never to be touched
For fear of breaking
Longs for warm comfort
Of a hug
But never to get one
Until it's cold and dead
How beautiful am I
She says
Then why
My friends
Do I never get loving affection?
Big creatures.
With smaller eyes.
Solid creatures.
With see-through eyes.
Cold creatures.
And happy eyes.
Warm creatures.
Dead eyes.
Silent creatures
Stern eyes.
Fuzzy creatures,
murky eyes.
Crowdy creatures,
Enlightened eyes.
Hollow creatures.
souless eyes.
I could easily relapse.
But I won't.
At least I think.
The urge is unbearable.
Just tear through the skin.
No one cares if you're here.
You're not important.
You don't deserve sympathy.
But I can't be a coward.
Everyone else can do it on their own, why can't I?
Why is it so hard for me to just accept that I'm alone?
On this earth filled with billions of people, I'm no one's number one.
And I never have been.
It's really not that hard of a concept.
What am I worth?
A dollar?
A quarter?
A penny?
Lately this question has been lingering uninvited.
Am I worthy of your love?
Am I worthy of any love?
I used to seek answers from the one "up above"
Now I look within to see that I am nothing.
My whole life I've been running.
Running from pain, hurt, and loss.
And I've never been fast enough.
So my backup plan was look strong.
I couldn't do that either.
I always had to beg,
Beg to be held and beg to be comforted.