What if I never loved you?
What if I did love you?
What if I said you where the cause of my pain?
What if I said you didn't cause my pain?
What if is the question every one asks after sometime bad happens. What if I didn't say that to him he would still be here? what if I just said I love you more? What if I just said yes? What if I never loved you
Stabbing,
A corpse.
Burying,
A zombie.
Sleeping,
Through day.
Hurling,
Abuse.
Fighting,
Yourself.
Remembering,
Regrets.
Forgetting,
Tomorrow.
Hating,
Ghosts.
As we changed
our relationship changed too.
We used to play and laugh together.
So much fun every day.
As we changed
I let you go,
smiling and happy for you.
"Don't worry I'm not mad" I said.
As we changed
The life tear us appart.
How many days has passed since then.
You're happy now.
As we changed
I'm wondering...
As if we never knew each other,
we don't talk anymore.
every time i caught up
you danced away with that smug little half-smirk-half-grin
because i did the same to you and
so many others
but it's not as funny as i used to think
Yes
I left,
but at that very moment,
I wished
you knew how
I earnestly prayed
for you to grab my hand
and pull me unto your chest, begging me
"Please stay"
I do not look at me
In the mirror much these days.
This bald pate,
This fleshy, swarthy face
Except to brush teeth
And the vexing necessity to shave.
I do not see me in the mirror
Just the yellowing teeth
And the graying stubble.
I do not need a mirror anymore
Having seen me for
Half a century and more.
I know me well enough.
But the occasional glimpse -
When my eyes meet my eyes-
Tired, watery, dead -
Listening to friends talking about their mothers;
One said – “She’s eighty, still hale and hearty,
Got to go home for dinner with her”.
Before he could continue, the other said,
“Mine is eighty too, she’s OK,
Though a bit slow in walking”.
Men of my age. Silent, I calculate -
If my mother were alive,
She’d be eighty three.
I wished she had married younger
And I were born first, so that
I could’ve spent, at the most
A bit more time with her.
Now that she’s gone
I wish she weren’t
Though there were times when alive
so many things left unsaid.
so many words left unspoken.
your voice plays on repeat in my head,
but somehow i fear i'm forgetting you.
forgetting your voice,
your smile,
your presence.
until someone says "remember when"
and there i am.
9 years old dancing with you in the kitchen.
with no clue what my life would become,
and how disappointed you would be.
the only thing i knew was you chose to be there with me.
so many words were said,
but never the right ones.
never the ones that needed to be said.
A big bully, hoping to change
a lifetime of regret.
Did things he never wanted to,
said things he never meant.
Every word would hurt.
Every action would bleed.
He may have tried to be kind,
but he'd still plant a bad seed.
That seed would grow and grow,
causing so much pain.
Useless, stupid, piece of crap,
here his name-calling would begin.
He did not understand what was wrong,
for used to it he was.
His jokes and insults, plain and true,
without a hint of remorse.
I'm sorry for lying
I'm sorry for stealing
I'm sorry for the hurtful words
I'm sorry for the way I am
I'm sorry for the disrespecting words
I'm sorry for disrespecting people
I'm sorry for hurting you
I'm sorry for starting things
I'm sorry for getting in trouble
I'm sorry for trying to overdose
I'm sorry for breaking your heart
I'm sorry for everything
I'm sorry for my problems
I'm sorry for putting my hands on you
I'm sorry for telling stories
I'm sorry for my life style
It wasn't her fault.
None of it was.
The grades gone wrong.
And he blamed 'that boy'.
'Its not him'
She said through the tears.
'You have a choice' he bellowed.
'Fine I choose him'.
Those words now haunt him.
Taunt him.
Day and night.
His little girl grew up.
In one day.
'Why?' He asked
'Oh the choices I gave'.
I've learned
to love all the wrong
because I wanted to be treated right