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Dave Bonta
I get a prodigious kick out of shame
my own hands foul my fingers
let me suffer for it a little
let me make my own afternoon bed
I have come to the height of neglect
the not-done not minded at all
give me a knock on the head
with a rose full of sorrow
my not-doing is made
out of hope and shame
I never did expect
to turn drunkard
shame is my white horse
I fear myself more
hide from the night and foul weather
of my metamorphoses
This morning paper
is raw theater—
love in a maze
of strange straits.
A peace made
upon good terms
is news.
Each of us lives
but is ashamed to be,
resolving to see
pleasure fall.
I saw three things belong to us:
shame and home and cancer.
Who can tell what world to order,
chosen according to what qualifications?
Give me a bed.
I sat with duty and guilt and shame,
a brother to the poor.
This day I began to put on buckles to my shoes.
I feel so little
I feel so weak
His words sting
My cheeks feel hot, but my face is pale.
My eyes are blurry I can not see
My heart is beating as if a swarm of bees were attacking me I think that's why it stings
My bones are brittle they're easy to break
My head needs clearing I can't think.
My hands are shaking I can't even write.
It's loud in this room, people are yelling, people are screaming at me. Everyone is crying or maybe that's just the voices in my head, telling me that I need some sense
He makes me feel so little
I keep apologizing hoping that he understands I mean it. Hoping he will notice that I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong but I know a sorry it to come from me.
Stay quiet
Born into this world,
A different kind of guy,
An uphill struggle from the start,
Not accepted by the majority,
Not wanting to admit to this world,
What makes me different,
Dating as many girls as I can,
To try and change myself,
Not wanting to admit to myself,
What is inevitably true,
I deny myself of reality,
Hoping to please you,
The moment finally comes,
When I can deny no more,
Out to you I reach,
For acceptance and love,
When I awaken,
I look next to me,
Uncertain of who you are,
I begin to shudder,
The surrounding room unrecognizable,
Not cognizant of how I arrived,
My memory lacking all the details,
Not fully knowing what happened last night,
Worries run rampant,
As I try to sneak out,
Hoping I used protection,
Yet feeling much doubt,
Out the door I walk,
Hopeful it’s nothing but a thing of the past,
Praying you don’t call,
That I never bump into you again,
heartwrenching, piercing sobs shook his shoulders.
eyes clenched,
snot running down his face,
he heaved out every pain she ever inflicted on him.
insults.
threats.
bruises.
rape.
and i sat there, burning holes into the wall.
i couldn't even find the will to move.
how can i be any better than her when all i do is nothing?
how can he think i am anything worth his time?
No, surely I have no problems.
I am no beggar, I do not starve;
I am no criminal, nor would I need to be;
I am no vagrant, and look not for support.
Yes, it could be worse.
No, surely my problems mean nothing.
I could be ailing of disease,
I could be beyond repair,
I could be on the brink of destruction.
Yes, it could be worse.
No, surely there's always someone
more worse off than I,
and I could not compare;
shame on me for complaining.
Yes, it could be worse.
No, surely I want for nothing
the bedroom door stays locked
my thoughts wedged under the handle
blocking anyone from seeing what is on the inside
the walls are painted the darkest black
and is completely bare of furniture
demons hide under the creaking floorboards
every night I take out a silver blade
from a special place
and for the moments that my skin is a deep red
the room lights up a bright shade of yellow
and then the shame sets in and the darkness returns
but if I try hard enough to not let the red come back
the yellow will gradually creep back onto the walls
and eventually the door will unlock
letting me out of my caged hell