When I am upset,
I shut myself down,
I have no motivation of anything.
I tell myself that no one cares,
Even some of them do,
I think of all about negative things,
I give myself pain.
I just do not know why,
I totally deserve this,
Do not tell me wrong,
This is just how I am.
The tough ground hurts my feet as I walk along.
I'm tired and there is no stream in which I can quench my thirst.
There is not a tree in sight that can provide me with shade.
When will my journey end?
What could I have done
For you to walk away?
What could I have said
For you to scoff at me?
What could I have thought
That you didn't want to hear?
Why am I in pain?
Because you left me.
Why am I sad?
Because you hurt me.
Why am I lonely?
Because you turned
From me
Forever.
Will I die with a smile
Or will I die in agony
Will I be gone for good or
Will I live in people's hearts
Will I die in my home
On the arms of my good friends
Or will I die somewhere else
With no one there to hug me tight
Will I die on a rainy day
Will the world shed tears for me
Or will I die on a sunny day
As if the world didn't know me
Will there be people who
Who still loves me
Or will all love end
When the dirt meets my body
I’ve locked myself from the inside out
Nobody can open the door but me
You never understood what I was about
In my silence, I would scream and would shout
Why is it that you could never see
You didn’t have the time to understand
The one who thought they knew me best
You didn’t have the time to hold my hand
What I’ve written now has been thought out and planned
You do not know me better than the rest
I made myself invisible to all the remiss
I’ve never known love, only hate
You turned a blind eye to my painful kiss
By the time you see this
It will be too late
The colors come together as dismal rays
I am the forgotten, the in-between, and the dead
The life I once knew is a dreamy haze
I can’t seem to remember the things I once said
The people I once knew, I have left behind
That one love, disappeared from my eyes
The place I once lived, I can’t seem to find
I hear the others; their fear and their cries
I hear a distant voice calling my name
I see a bright light at the end of a hall
Somehow I just don’t feel the same
As I get closer, I begin to fall
I open my eyes, and what do I find
The life I forgot, and left behind
Just for a second, let's pretend that I care.
Let's pretend that I don't.
Let's pretend I never type blindly in the dark.
Let's pretend that it's never dark at all.
Let's pretend that I sleep at night.
Let's pretend that you do, too.
Let's pretend I don't burn my eyes on computer screens.
Let's pretend that scars go away.
Let's pretend that we have it hard.
Let's pretend that we have a reason to be sad.
Let's pretend there's a reason at all.
Let's pretend it's not just "who I am."
Let's pretend that we never lie.
Let's pretend that we never want to.
Let's pretend were not lonely.
Let's pretend it's not our fault.
It says something that all the times we were together, I was alone
I was a flower you picked
And went through the motions of loves me, loves me not;
As my last petal fell,
You decided you really didn't care
Safe over sorry,
Lost over loved;
These are the choices, I've had to make,
Because it's easier to catch rain in a cup than on the tip of your tongue.
I have a funny way of showing it,
My lips turn down when they should be up;
Rather than nourish, I starve
Because thinner limbs with bulging lips are the fad.
I never let my tears touch the ground but muffle them,
Stifling my body's right to raze.
It's never me I reach for, it's always someone else or something new,
Something that shines but dims in my grasp.
Tell me I'm wrong, that all that neglect was because I was coming home to me;
The only time I looked at me was when I caught me unawares from the depths of parked car windows.
Who will blame me for thinking I didn't love me enough.
I'm at war with love and all the things it should be,
All the standards I lifted from well sprung fairytales and failed to imprint on the maps of life.
I've stained my hand with pretty paint and received a gruesome picture,
So I've taken to sulking at the mishap,
Because, no one warned me how messy love will be.