my arms feel wrong
my hands are moving rapidly over your body, dying to memorise every bump, every scar
the one running across your left shoulder blade after you fell from that tree when you were a kid
the one behind your knee from when you slipped on that bench and ripped your pants
the one over your eyebrow from when you and your friend fought infront of that supermarket
the ones on your wrists that you did on your own
the many small burn marks your dad left scattered across your body from his cigarettes
memorising them all, good and bad
it feels like a goodbye, and it was.
once upon a time I knew a boy
who loved drawing
magnificent paintings
that nobody saw,
he used to draw by himself
alone at night
locked in a smoke filled bedroom
where no one but he could see
the paintings looked strange
they were twisted
his brush was a razor
his canvas, a wrist
I'm not leaving because
I've stopped loving you
I'm leaving because the longer
I stay the less
I love myself
It used to sound crazy and illogical and then i learned what hell on earth felt like
The questions
The answers
Spread across the sea
A jigsaw
A puzzle
More than one missing piece
His jokes
His laugh
But what about her everything
What about them
She knew above the knees
Little time
Little subjects
Many insecurities
Impure
Fake
I don't know who I am anymore
I'm nobody's son, I'm nobody's dad
I'm nobody's partner, I'm nobody's employee
I don't know who I am, maybe I'm nobody.
I can barely get out of bed
Can somebody help me please?
I feel like I've been sleeping for a year
Can somebody grab me by the ankle
And drag me out the door?
Or maybe grip me by the hair
Until I feel it ripping out of my scalp
Can somebody turn on the television
And increase the volume to ear-piercing levels?
Can somebody take a butcher knife
And twist it into my side?
If I still refuse to wake up
I am probably dead
Or I am peacefully paralyzed
From the neck down
Please wake me!
When I told him to love me harder
I didn't mean it literally
Some girls get flowers, some get hickies
Some even get babies
But I got bruises
Because instead of showing me the world
My man showed me balled fist
And I hid from my family a broken wrist
It was harder to hide the black eye
I learned to keep my mouth shut
If not, my teeth would have to make room for his knuckles
While my knees unbuckled from the weight of his blow
Crying never did me much good
My mascara always ran before I ever could
When I told him to love me harder
I should've seen this coming.
I wish it was you I could smell in my hair and not him
When I take off my clothes, I wish it was you with me and not him
The fact is simply that I'm dying to hold you and not him
When you speak to me now, I love only that, and not him
I would give anything to be with you again and not him
In truth, I could only ever love you forever and not him
I'm such a good liar, though.
You say you believe in me, in us
But I know I'll only let you down
I'll only hurt you, it happens every time
I'll shatter your dreams and break your heart
You're the best thing in my life, I'm the worst in yours
And I'd rather hurt you with goodbye than with betrayal
I can't be what you want, I'm sorry
This will hurt but you'll get over me
You'll find a true love, and live a happy life
I know you don't agree with me now but you will one day.
Nothing is bright anymore, everything is just bland.
I see no colours anymore, all I see is grey.
Nothing exites me anymore, it's as if my heartbeat don't exist.
I'm low, it's dark, it's familiar.
My year is divided between lying and truth.
I've fought, i've tried.
It's terribly tiring to fight yourself, no matter which turn you take there is always a dead end.
How disapointing I no longer want to find a way out.
today i picked up a blade again. i threw it down the toilet and cried.
"Why wouldn't I mind, you're leaving me. I've said good bye so many times I can't even count it. Now all you are is just another goodbye. Do you not see a problem with that? If not, why not? I understand that people change and when presented with an opportunity such as the one you have, of course, people will take it. But it makes no change in the fact that you're just a goodbye.
A goodbye you told that would never come. A goodbye that was promised to never be spoken. Those unspoken words will now be said, and now I don't know what to believe when you tell me hello. Do I just say goodbye and then leave. Or do I say goodbye and linger, hoping for more?