At the opera
I was hit with a type of sadness I haven't felt in a long time.
It was awful.
I ate
And ate
After feeling okay for a while.
On the way back
I found myself alone in a single seat at the far end of the bus.
I spent the hour drive turned around, looking out the mud-caked window.
I waved at all the people behind us when the brake lights illuminated their faces with a glowing red light.
I didn't get one response.
Maybe they didn't see me in the dark.
Or maybe they didn't care.
As we traveled down the highway, the streetlights were all burned out.
Headlights of people that followed the bus for several miles faded in the distance.
It was like losing friends in a way.
The candle flame stands
Naked and shivering
In the cool night air
A droplet of wax falls
Not unlike the tears
That brim in my eyes
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And perhaps so are you,
But the roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowls are empty,
And your wrists are stained red,
The sun isn't shining,
The sky isn't clear,
There's no silver lining,
Because you're no longer here,
Rain keeps on pouring,
There's no end in sight,
You're laying there frozen,
So far from the light,
What if I told you
I wanted to die?
That I'm tired of living
Of being alive?
What if I said
It gets worse at night?
The thoughts get louder
And nothing is right.
What if I lied
And said everything was alright?
No I'm not crying,
I swear I'm alright.
What if I died?
I doubt you'd even cry.
Would you even care
If I took my own life?
Silly little girl,
Don't fool yourself,
They've seen your scars,
Just don't want to help,
Little do they know,
How much could change,
With three little words,
"Are you okay?"
I knew this boy who liked to draw
He drew pictures that no body saw
He was most artistic late at night
In the bathroom, out of sight
He kept a secret no one knew
He didn't tell a soul, and his gallery grew
His drawings were different, no paper or pen
But need a bandage every now and again
We stood by the river under the stars
He rolled up his sleeves and showed me his scars
He felt embarrassed and looked down at his shoes
Then I rolled up my sleeves and whispered "I draw too"
Just a cut,
Just a scratch,
"What's that mark?"
"It was just the cat."
Just an excuse,
Just another lie,
"What is with all the bracelets?"
"Just fashion, why?"
Just a tear,
Just a scream,
"Why were you crying?"
"Just a bad dream,"
But it's not just a cut,
Or a tear or a lie,
It's always 'just one more'
Until you die.
Powder your nose
Paint your toes
Line your lips
and keep 'em closed
Cross your legs
Dot your eyes
And Never let them see you cry.
If everything had a name,
I'D name you the Rain,
Because all you do is create storm clouds in people's eyes.
If your personality had a name,
I'd name it Confused,
Because you can't ever make up your mind.
If our love had a name,
I'd name it Failing,
Because it feels like we aren't together.
If I had a name,
I'd name myself Sad,
Because that's what you did to me.
If my personality had a name,
I'd name it Strong and Fighting,
Because that's what I do to stay on my feet. But I know I can do better.
People ask if I'm okay
I don't want to lie
But I know I'm not okay
They are my friends
And I'm happy they are
But I'm not the Happy Little Girl
I used to be
I fake smiles and laughs
Good thing you guys haven't seen my true self
You haven't seen Reality
It destroys you
Like a Grenade
Inside your heart
That breaks you down
Reality isn't gonna go easy on you
But now it's tearing me and I can't stop it
Looking forward into the past,
I see events that will always last.
Sleepless thoughts held in day dreams,
slumbering visions with hellish screams.
Some pain I earned, some came free,
how long will it torture me?
Is there an escape that will come in time?
Or will I be condemned by my own mind?
I avoid the mirror and things of vanity,
as I'm slowly losing my own sanity.
Yes I'm slipping day by day,
as my life slowly fades away.
My food tastes bland and has no smell.
Is this my life? Or is this Hell?
All the colors are bleeding into one,
I feel death's chill with each new sun.
I've never seen anyone take their last breath
but I've stood toe to toe with multitudes of death.
With every new toe tag my humanity fell
and my emotions seemed to fall into a well.
A well that was empty without pain, sorry or grief.
And I was left numb to others pains, happy or positive beliefs.
Trauma,tragedy and memories I'll never forget took over me.
Along with the life long curse of PTSD.
My medications mask it and it helps to an extent.
Now and then I'll play You tubes that make me cry.
As my own personal way to download and vent.
My heart still goes out to all my comrades that fell.
And I'd do the same job again even though it left me in Hell...