I may not walk the best walk
I may not talk the best talk
I may not belong to the world you belong to
But I'll give it all I've got, and show you what I've got to.
I know I'm not perfect, for perfection is a disgrace
And not a trace of it you'll find....
In my world, that's full of excruciating pain
Of the mystical adventure that starts on my bed at five, in aphotics
And gives me bruises till I surrender and go under my sheets again.
But you see, I'm bleeding, bleeding all over, for I didn't surrender
Neither would I.
Go on, go out on a hunt for a treasure,
And you'll find sapphire inside my eyes.
For they burn, they burn out bright
To warm this goddamn cold heart of mine
there i stood
watching as he talked about her
eyes getting bigger
blushing at the thought
and i said nothing
how could i
it was her he wanted
it would never be me
and suddenly
it was as if time had stopped
everything was quiet
and then we were strangers
again
she stopped looking at
the way the stars
reflected on her window.
she stopped longing for
those midnight drives.
she started counting the calories
on everything she touched,
slowly becoming
more encaged
in herself
making herself as small
as she can
ankles digging into her skin
and everyone asked her
"what happened to you"
but the truth was,
now i know
the world i created in my mind isn't real
full of fictional characters
because in this world
no one would throw rocks at my window
asking for a kiss
no one would bring me roses
and tell me how much they love me
no one would dance with me in the rain
these were all things i simply created
and when i wake up
it's all gone
and i'm met with the harsh reality
that love isn't
what i made up
i didn't know heartbreak and peace could coincide so easily,
until it was 3pm and i was laying on the shower floor with my hands wrapped around my knees.
crying because it killed us to leave each other and that it was the best thing two broken kids like us could do.
i laid my head onto my our chest as you played with my hair.
the feeling of comfort filled my veins.
"he'd be proud of me" i repeated slowly.
until the allusion of you faded away and i became blatantly aware of my head resting on my desk.
"he'd be proud of me"
they say, " tell them you love them. you only live once"
but why would i?
why would i risk loosing you if i only live once?
even if there was a chance you could love me back,
i'd much rather live in pain knowing you're happy with them, and knowing your still my best friend.
rather than telling you and living in pain in a world where you no longer exist.
it's consuming me.
the black cloud that once hovered over my head is finally suffocating me.
finally taking my breath away.
and my soul no longer cares
my soul is tired, she wants to sleep.
let her sleep.
do they even care?
no.
how could they?
i don't even care about myself.
it's like my flaws are written all over the surface of my skin
making them turn away and run from me
i need to stop chasing after them
but i can't.
so i drink the last bottle of vodka
and smoke that pack of cigarettes.
i like the burn
the burn of strong alcohol going down my throat
and the burn of grey cigarette smoke that's slowly turning my lungs black.
i have them in hopes of feeling something.
something instead of nothing
i am naked.
but my clothes coat my form
i am in pain.
but my skin stays intact
my mind is at war
but i smile