Quickly tarnished are the days,
stained and wasted and delayed.
When butterflies fly too far away,
swings won't fly high enough
and memories decay,
that is when we can safely say
we are no longer children
in any possible way.
We are not content any longer
with just being happy.
Our minds are torn
between what is real and imaginary
our dreams become lesser thought,
we learn that the stars are out of reach.
With the ending of summer days
we see our childhood fade.
I was once told by a dear friend:
"Don't get caught up in what is mine,
my feelings,
my beliefs,
because you'll lose sight of what is yours."
I did not heed this sincere and honest warning,
I did not see the danger that was dawning,
I fell prisoner to the thoughts in my head.
Indeed I did fall prey
to the many sleepless nights,
I cannot deny that all I worried about
was if you were going to be alright.
I fell victim to myself for you
because the answer seemed not in plain sight,
I toiled over everything that never really was
only to discover that you were right.
It was death
Who quietly coaxed
And convinced you to leave my side.
It was he who came
On the weird easterly winds
When time had wrought such a natural division
Between us.
It was your unguided decision
To go without my knowledge,
On your winding way with him and not look back
Over these strangely beautiful lands
In which our childhood passed.
Still I wander
Over these irregular and forgotten hills
And when that east wind sweeps by,
I resist it's tempting tug
One summer morning, I woke and smelled the promise of a warm day.
One warmish evening, we spoke and saw the promise of a love to stay.
Sure enough, the day was warm, and pleasant, so much better than I thought.
Sure enough the love was long, so perfect, that I couldn’t get enough.
Then the sun was sinking down, was lower in the sky
Then my heart was breaking down, and slipping off its high
Looking up, into the sky, the storm clouds rolling over
Looking up, into his eyes, they slowly ceased to smoulder
The breeze was getting stronger, getting colder all the while
The nights were seeming longer, and it hurt too much to smile
Soon enough, the warm gave in, the rain began to pour
Its killing me,
To not know what could of been,
Having a brain without a head,
But I still move forward.
My feet scrap the ground,
My head looking down,
I have only a mistake that can't be fixed.
But I still move forward.
I thought I couldn't live,
Without you by my side,
Though now you aren't,
But I still move forward.
I walk a lonely street,
One where two people should meet,
But there is only one set of feet,
But I still move forward.
The night pulls me.
A knight in the night.
Bruising me with bitterness.
An unspeakable desire rushes upon me.
There is no knight in the night.
With me,
Only me,
Stands no one,
But me.
And I ache because of myself.
Alone in the dark.
i don't touch anyone with anything
i'm navy, gray, in the background
i wish i knew how to play the guitar
or how to hold out my hand for help
how to stop drowning in the ocean
when wave after wave hits you
i'm not good at solving puzzles
i'm not really good at anything
i don't know how to love or feel
at least i know how to pretend
at least i know how to pretend
i'm so cold, i'm so very cold
it's 29 degrees and it's midnight
so i'll paint a canvas all black
and punch a hole right through
it's art right, it's art right?
i am not a good dog, i am not a good girl
because i'm not a dog, and not a girl at all
empty flesh, empty feelings, limpid, maybe frail
i'm not your dog, i want to be something more
can i be good enough when i know i'm not good
i don't like being chained outside or even inside
i always find myself with a collar on my neck
please don't upgrade me to a muzzle, i won't bite
i'm gonna be a good dog, i'll keep my paws clean
i'm gonna be a good girl, i promise i won't bark
but i'm so sick of crying, i'm so sick of whining
i'll never be a good enough dog for your home
i'll never be good enough, so bark doggy bark
i will never be good enough for you to praise
i just want to feel safe, be loved in your home
yellow rain boots that don't falter at the door
have become timid black, scared to leave home
above my level and progressing insanely quick
somehow becomes stagnant and a bit terrified
mounds of childlike eagerness and creativity
eaten away by the accidents leaving just me
somehow momma's beautiful young butterfly
started growing up, and became a caterpillar
my cocoon fell away leaving brown and gray
writing has felt more like complaining as of late
and maybe i'd write less if i would try trying more
kid's teeth stored away to make room for mine
perhaps i should take off these vintage lenses
allow myself to see things a bit more clearly but
never again can i have back my prismatic wings
people like me tend to kill themselves
it's something about being creative and sad
i'm trapped in a run down room which is
plastered in black x's and blood stains
dried clumps of mud and crushed beer cans
you know, i could really use a hug right now
it's really cold in this room, it's 63 degrees
there's another girl in this room but not really
she's suffering from the same thing i am
i do not want a hug from her
there's something so familiar about death
it's not pretty i promise so please don't try it
there's no blinding light, no angels, no white
it's a brown and black and a greyish blue
and worst of all there's no one to hug you
i grab the sides of the tub, pull my head up
the kid in the mirror ripped my wisdom teeth out
makes me wish i was just dinner for the maggots
i'll stare into his eyes and pick at the tile's grout
i hate the little kid who made me hate my curls
bathtub of blood where i emerge a new person
paraiba for eyes because blue is your favourite
ivory teeth, made from the sacrifice of sleep
straightforward stare, never turning to profile
sallow complexion from staying in bed for days
coral lipstick to prove what i am to the mirror
my thighs burning with the pressure of the world
i want my wisdom teeth back, writhing in my bed
to see myself as a person, not a mass of flaws
blood navigates the spaces between my teeth
Just like that, you were there.
All at once.
And just like that, everything came back to me.
All the memories, the words, the feeling of your touch against my skin, the late nights when all I wanted to hear was your voice, the secrets we shared, the fights.
All at once.
You brought me back together, took the pieces that were broken and made them semi-whole again.
But you brought it all crashing down.
All at once.