The speaker keeps repeating "if i was to be honest," and each time the phrase opens a different admission. At first it sounds like a list of regrets: fewer friends, no book, no loss, maybe a cure. Then it turns personal and blunt. The speaker owns up to being jealous, rude, and complaining, and simply says, "i'm imperfect." There's no attempt to look good here.
The mood is raw and heavy, with a sense of exhaustion in the line about "crying from the inside out." Writing seems to be how the speaker releases the pain. Near the end, the speaker admits wanting everything to end but being too scared to act. The final lines then twist the repeated phrase: honesty becomes the reason to "keep on." The ending is quiet rather than triumphant, but it holds a fragile determination to survive. If this feels close to your own life, talking to someone you trust or a local support line can help.