I'm Leaving

I'm going to go back to my own little world, The one where no one ever cared about this stupid girl. The one where I never knew how much it hurt to lose a friend, The world where I never thought about my end. The world that has no past or future to worry for, In this world only the present has a score. This world consists of only the millisecond in which I am living, It consists in my realizing that I will never receive but will always be giving. My world is safer than the real one, the one where I realize how little I fit in. The one where other people matter, the one where I desperately want a friend and can't face being alone. In this world there is no such thing as friends, and therefore no idea of alone. You can't realize how lonely you are if you've never been anything else. I'll push back ever knowing the difference in my mind until it disappears like the memories of a third of my life once did. Because I can't handle the pain of rejection and loss on top of all the rest. I can't handle it on top of realizing I lost my innocence at six. I can't handle it on top of hearing that my mom told my little sister that there would only be dinner for a week because we didn't have enough food. I can't handle it on top of facing going to court with my memories of being raped and tortured for years. I can't handle it on top of worrying every second if my baby sister is cutting herself, or crying herself to sleep, or aching with hunger. I can't handle this.