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Dave Bonta
after dinner the news
beyond all expectation of ease
in a hole
a furious storm
all morning sitting with the bland
merchandise of night
I study arithmetic to see myself
as if at the event horizon
of a black hole
we go
to extreme lengths
out on a twig
i see asterisks as halos
i twitter like a finch
in a cage
you are
beside yourself
an angel of anxiety
in perpetual molt
let’s feather our nest
with eviction notices
get to the bottom
of this hope chest
I don't like being around my dad
Cause he made me walk the dog with him
And forced me to explain.
So I told him everything about Parker
And how he might never talk to me again.
I really hope he does,
Because I finally made him a name.
If Park never gets to hear it
I'll scream it in the rain.
Right now I'm hiding in my closet
Fighting an internal war.
It's me against anxiety-
My defenses suck so far.
It's terrifying.
It's like the world is collapsing on your lungs,
But you're still taking in air.
Yet at the same time, you're getting in enough air,
And it's getting rid of it that's the problem.
Hell.
That's panic attacks in one word.
And even though I've only ever had two,
I know that no one wants them.
I've never been more scared of my body
Than I was in those moments.
The worst part about the second one?
My mind wasn't panicked.
I was okay mentally,
But couldn't stop my body.
I had to put on a hoodie,
i can hear them on the
other side of the door
laughing and shouting about our blind, deaf, dumb dog
and the blasting tv
and the open window letting in the rain
and the food still clinging to the "clean" plates
i think it's beautiful
i think maybe there's a spot on that couch where i can pet that
blind, deaf, dumb dog
and maybe i can get away with yelling about stuff too but not doing it
i think maybe they're already happy
i think maybe one more person is just a crowd
i think maybe i'll just shut my door all the way and count the bumps
in my popcorn ceiling
You leech.
You latch into me , drain me of. my happiness . And it only takes one second for me to fall victim to your words , to your drug.
You liar.
You lie to me . It's a viscious cycle. You say it's gonna be okay , and you pull the world from under me. And show me a list of things of why it's not , in fact , going to be 'okay' You anchor .
You tie me down. I don't go places . I don't hang out with friends . I stay home , I sleep. And even though I don't hang out with my friends , doesn't mean you don't make me hang out with yours. Anxiety and fear are your besties. And you always invite them to the party.
You pain.
I did my best to love you,
Though I have
Anxiety,
Over think,
Depression,
Sensitive,
Ugly,
Mental breakdown,
I'm sorry I messed up...
Cause I involved you,
Into my miserable life.
Silence the ringing! quieter! quieter! I can't hear myself!
It's squeezing and clutching! Tugging and hurting!
I can't breathe, I-I can't. Breathe!
the reaper is waiting,
intently staring,
relishing.
Yet, I linger.
the enemy, do you see it? Right there!
can you see it? I gotta escape
the toxicity, it's infesting my mind,
I'm not okay.
crimson creeping up,
sweat dripping down,
I'm quivering,
I'm perishing,
Stuttering, "why is the bed shaking so wildly??"
Anxiety holds his claws around my neck
Feeling my pulse to perfectly manipulate
One move is all it takes
Happiness once stroke my back
Growing older opens an ominous gate
Life is a struggle at all stakes
Every one of us is fragile like glass
Even the ones with 24/7 sass
Lower, middle or upper class
Glass stays glass
Some shatter, others burst
In the end we all break
Because of this, I've long since been a
Fan of small spaces
Many times, I've made my bed in the
Nooks and crannies of those people
Who were more attractive than me
Or stronger than me,
Those who could stand up to bullies
Instead of tucking their head down and
Trying to be small
But being small is what gets
So many of us into this mess
I hated being weak, because weak made me
Be small and small made me be weak
And so I found a place
Where I could be small and weak
And it was still okay
and I just need somebody to talk to,
I just feel so lost,
just a bit of guidance,
But at what cost.
No one seems to care
but they had the guts you ask me to share
my insecurities.
And in all honesty I just want someone
to love me, as I love them.
and here I am rambling again
it's another sleepless night
oh what a delight
to not be able to sleep
when you can feel the anxiety and depression
creeping in.
but yet being myself just isn't good enough