It still crys out for help
Occasionally
It still raises its hand
Predominantly
It still asks for the will power
Accidentally
Is it scared when humiliated?
It doesn't divulge
Does it chase what is theirs?
Sometimes
Does it beg?
Never
Everybody knows if you don't love
Then you don't get hurt
And so I taught myself emptiness
And the more emptiness I learned,
The more I realized everyone around me
Was empty, too
Like we had all learned the same trick
Without ever having a teacher
It was ingrained in our genetic makeup
Sustenance, fire, shelter and isolation
These were the things that ancient man
Needed in order to survive
Sustenance to feed and nurture our bodies
Fire to make our sustenance edible and safe
Shelter to protect our fire from the elements
And isolation to protect us from each other
What were those lights in the sky that night,
As we returned from the place
We were never supposed to be?
Dots of red. Dots of blue.
Dots of ever-changing hue.
I wasn't supposed to know, was I?
That we were being followed,
That deep in the woods a creature had
Made its home amongst the bramble
And disintegrating wood patch,
Pacing impatiently.
Back and forth.
Back
and
forth.Like a pendulum axe swinging down,
Invoking fear and confusion
I was always so afraid to
Walk around that corner
Many mornings I would stand in
The living room, trembling near the
Couch as the heat from
The sun slashed through the bay window
And crept slowly up my back
It seems I never felt anything
Except for the heat on my back,
Regardless of where I went
But if I stood too long, I knew you
Would find me, and if I snuck back
To my room, I knew you would find me
If I hid, you would find me
If I told, you would find me
And so I would walk into the kitchen
If I listened closely enough I could hear him coming,
I could feel his drunken anger in those moments when
He was swaying between seething and swinging
But it was the moments when the world was completely silent
That I learned to fear the most
Because of this, I've long since been a
Fan of small spaces
Many times, I've made my bed in the
Nooks and crannies of those people
Who were more attractive than me
Or stronger than me,
Those who could stand up to bullies
Instead of tucking their head down and
Trying to be small
But being small is what gets
So many of us into this mess
I hated being weak, because weak made me
Be small and small made me be weak
And so I found a place
Where I could be small and weak
And it was still okay
years later
and I'm still too
shy to tell
you how I feel
i hide behind
timid smiles and
soft hellos
i'm afraid
if I ask you
"what do you think
of me?"
your reply will be
"i don't. "
I have a fear of falling,
a fear for falling in love,
a fear of falling from a height,
a fear of flying,
I have a fear for flying thousands of feet above the ground.
but let me tell you something..
I fell in love,
It was fast and I didn't notice till I was hit with a wave,
a wave, an urge to fall.
an urge to fall further and harder, it was an unstoppable feeling,
I wanted to fly
I wanted to travel where no man should,
to break through the clouds and break through the distance.
I wanted to face my biggest fears even if it meant I would only get a night with you;
that alone would be enough, a few hours by your side and in your arms...
BIGHEAD
it can war
with little pointed
cannibal teeth
it can make
hairs of people spring
it is frightening
close the door
it comes
screaming out of capture
it spys
smiling smiling lords
its fists
pound your furniture
parents
it is crazy
This is the way it happened that night. I was
tooling and I was slicing. I was stock still. 2 nomads
popped across the hill. My radio said go, boy, and my
company said the same thing. Into that bag of lunch
stepped yours truly. In the dark, I could see only
three beans, each red and yellow offset by a green.
There was more time than I knew how to use I could
feel it nourishing the bones I might later throw into
action. Quite possibly an atomic storm riddled every
glimmering window. A familiar fear gripped my comb
and red wigs flew from my skull. Sense of urgency had
put me out into that silver space half destiny half
desire and now not one thing there did I know to do.
My rooms stood.
a little while, you will be here -
the kittens broke yr glass swan,
that was given to you
only yesterday.
that, & our last vase.
like myself:
when i think of us
on such a narrow
edge -
we dance around each other's skin
to touch; peace,
our minds touch.
we stored all our fears in the basement,
among the books & papers we have no use for
& leaned, 1 on the other -
i found i needed you.
you play with me until this burning anger
claws its way out of my chest like a
dying heart ripped from its veins, an
inhuman roar hanging heavy in the air
and though it hurts to say this
i am nothing but a person without that anger
a tiny
insignificant
person
afraid of what occurs after the breakdown
afraid of the quiet emptiness of being alone
so even though you're toxic and rude and
completely, utterly unworthy
of my time
i stay