Outside my house there is a hill
That I would often climb
And on this hill, throughout my life
I would find different ways to spend my time.
When I was young, it was for the adventure
For who didn't like a little fun
And I was a warrior, tried and true
There was never a battle I hadn't won.
As I got older, it was more to see the view
And sit in quiet contemplation
Or perhaps write a poem or paint
As it did give me inspiration.
But now I am truly old,
And I can barely climb this hill.
Sometimes it feels like it's not worth it;
Each time I try, I'm met with a chill.
Do you know this feeling?
This feeling of sadness
Sadness when you have to leave
Leave this beautiful island
This beautiful island you fell in love with
But it's not the part that you have to leave
That's not the most hurtful part
No, the saddest part is the knowledge
The knowledge that soon this island will be a memory
A memory that starts to fade
That starts being replaced by other memories
Other memories of other places
I forgot that I loved you,
I forgot every time I wanted you,
Every memory I had with you.
I also forgot how to be honest,
I still lie,
I can never forget you, ny vivid dream.
But for you, I am a fading memory.
I am afraid to forget that I love you
Afraid to forget that I need you
That I had you.
Afraid to forget the sound of your laugh,
To forget your scent,
Your touch
And, that I had such love.
As I pass through that passage alone.
I remember the first time we met there.
In that same spot.
Not much has changed since then...
The same blooming bushes.
The same rusty lamppost.
The same black dog sleeping on his side, with a dead leaf in his mouth.
Everything is here at the same spot.
While you are not.
Were we friends? More than friends?
I never questioned until you left.
What's the definition of best friend?
Make me understand.
I need you to talk to me like we used to.
Am I going overboard?
I don't know if your lover thinks of you
but I miss you like crazy.
I thought my memories were long gone.
I felt stupid for that.
Never did I know, they were hidden
All deep down inside me.
I envy everyone with their best friends
Are they all the same like us?
Were you true to me? I got trust issues.
None were real. Did you ?
I remember almost every moment,
but when I ask you,
you just don't answer.
I don't know how you cannot remember our first year together.
But somehow you do,
and that's really confusing.
My heart shriveled up and died when I learnt,
but it's nothing new to me.
It's happened countless times before,
what's one more time?
I remember the first time we kissed,
now I'm wondering if it even matters to you.
I remember everything,
big or small.
But you can't even remember our best Christmas together.
You who can usually remember everything,
It's a sea,
raging all around me
There's no escape
From the feeling of drowning
How could they
just leave me here?
Alone to drown
No sense of direction
Where is up?
Where is forward?
What is going on?
There's nothing,
Nothing left
I need to find my own way
With no one to help me
Maybe,
at 20, I danced with men who smelled of Polo cologne
thinking only of me
at 30 when I nursed my baby, I
had no thought to ever wash my hair again
at 40, I drove the kids’ car pool all day
without complaining
at 50, I sat up past midnight waiting for teenagers to come home,
fearing the worst
at 60, I sat up past midnight waiting for my husband to come home,
thinking of divorce
at 70. I sit alone
waiting for these memories to die
Somewhere in your corners deep,
Lies my love's first letter to me.
Somewhere in your corners deep,
Lies my dreams smothered dead.
Somewhere, hidden, swaddled in clothes
Trembles my fears, dark and black.
Somewhere, among the faded silks
A chempaka flower, fragrance faint.
These books that you hold for me,
These clothes that you keep for me,
These souvenirs of my forgotten past
These remnants of my self, uncared for.
One day, not long after have I left,
Somebody would sweep it all off,
Give you a new coat and polish your glass.
New clothes, new dreams, sparkles of a new life
All this talk of love, love lost
Joys and sorrows -
Of inexplicable thoughts
Of death; worse, fear of death –
Its fine for a solitary afternoon
Or a late night when you have
The freedom to brood…
All you have to do is to regurgitate
The stale memories.
Though the utter pointlessness of the exercise
Hits one like a blast of cold air
And one shudders as the blizzard
Of loneliness shrouds the self.
Once in a while you have to clean your system.
Empty the Recycle Bin,
Clean up and defrag the disks.
Files accumulated over the past
Move crumpled into the bin
And then to oblivion.
It would be nice
To have a hard disk instead of a brain
Where fungus-ridden memories grow maggots
Eating into my soul.