Sitting,
Thinking time is the only way
To truly move it on
Remembering that it was only yesterday
And only yesterday was just
A million light years
Ahead of it’s time
Crying on a call
Situated between daydream
And father time
How I fought to keep the secret of
How he would fail
And how falling was merely
The weight of his cross
Anchoring him
To his mother’s side
I am not stronger
Thought that I was
But stronger things
They break these brittle bones
Catch you from out
The corner of my eye
Thought you had candles
And flowers in your hair
Never could mask it
The way that it slips
Down my cheek and into
A vast nothing of you
I am sugar and tear drops
But I can spin circles
And burn pictures
And remember someone else’s name
Random rebel blues
Just cry now, get it all out
And then see where you stand
It’s like day dreams – the way I see you now
Last time I took you for a drive
We made turns that we were unsure of
Winding up somewhere outside the lines
And then folded and settled – back the way we should’ve been
Valentine’s Day
And great promises for a new year
Forgive me for forgiving time
I was never good with vengeance
I can’t ever seem to get it right
Not the way that you did
(She whispered to me one night)
“Hush and fall back and find your place”
I stepped down into a street not knowing
Directions or intentions
Or anything much at all
I stepped down and hoped for once
That the world would know better
Than it led me to believe
Life presented itself as a party
And my invitation was always in your name
No one ever really wanted me around
You made them welcome me
I can’t begin to feign contentment
I lose myself in subtle things, it’s true
But I’m fading out and near forgotten
Just not sure of what to do
I want to be a dead poet
When you were tempered
with delight
your virtues were taken
down and forests
that you passed through
were not finite.
When you were
tempered with delight
you kept the
saddest oceans,
you kept
the proudest streams.
And wild pens
would
not strain your sight.
When you were tempered
Midnight mind churns.
Tension bones stiff
toward the door.
Wind whistles. Clenched teeth.
Shoes shuffle on battered damp pavement.
Tavern sounds draw near,
the distance of four lamp posts.
Hands roll in front pockets,
head sweat in cold.
Circus of brake lights
and neon signs,
mixed w/ laughter and cries.
Oblivion sought to see stars.
The universe within,
locked out.
Awful chest contraction.
Walk through the park,
was a walk full of tears and happiness,
see i had seen you and saw how happy you were,
i was forgotten like the dead,
see there was no memory of me in your head,
but there in your head she was,
so beautiful and glories breathtaking and such,
so i waited my turn but decided to walk the walk,
but see the memories of you and i were never heartbreaking,
laughs and smiles were always shared with one another,
never a romantic moment because that's not what people like us do,
who would have ever guessed my best friend would break my heart unknowingly.
Can't sleep
Can't eat
Can't breathe
Can't think
Can't understand
Can't see
Can't ask
Can't try
Can't continue
Can't live
I heard a song that makes me think about you
Not in a good way though
Thursday night in January
Sitting on my throne
Queen of my entire world
And yet I'm here
Alone
It's not the rejection that hurts
I mean it stings
But I'm used to it
It's the fact that I've never been good enough
The second best sister
The second best friend
The second best choice
No one sees me as anything first
I'm second at best
I'm the second best
I just want to be good enough
I want to be seen as the best
Best friend
Best choice
Best partner
But I'm not worth what I wish I was
I want to be there for you.
I want to be the one you decide to trust.
I want to be able to be the shoulder you cry on.
I want to help.
And maybe, because of that want,
That need,
I get too clingy,
Or overbearing.
And I'm sorry.
I want to help,
But I just end up hurting.