God I thought I was over you
But the memories still haunt me
The nausea is always there
A constant reminder that I fucked up
oh god I wish I hadn't
And you know exactly who you are
My last words to you were
Not like it matters anyway
But it mattered
Oh god it mattered
What did you mean when you said
But there's still you
My heart leaped then
Nearly jumped out my gaping mouth
For the flicker of hope you gave me
And I thought I was over you
The sparrow and the raven
Two star crossed lovers
The optimist and the bitter pessimist
Together forever
But these birds
We're not of a feather
They said "let's defy fate"
And ran away together
Suddenly the sparrow is struck
By a devious thought
"Raven, I'm simply not feeling it anymore"
Their love fell like stars from the sky
The raven is overcome by woe
Pulls out his ebony feathers
Screams "I'll never love again"
Falls like a star from the sky
My eyes may look Dead
But all is not as you see
If you could glance into my head
Find out about me
I act emotion-less
But it is simply self-defense
For the inner Walls of my Mind are closest
To a thick, barbed-wire fence
I will push you Away
Time after time
I want you to stay
But that'd be a crime
I write these Poems
To get them out of my head
Who? My Demons
The ones who want me Dead
She, the Demon, the one who could never love or be loved.
He, the Anarchist, living in the depths of Hell itself.
An unlikely pair.
She met him by chance on a rainy day.
He had known her for centuries.
It was cold. Dreadfully so, and she was the only one who didn't seem to mind.
A crowded subway.
He fell into her, or could it be he was pushed? No matter.
Troubled eyes meet bleak orbs and something is exchanged.
A spark, the briefest flutter of hope.
Three days later he was hit by a train.
She turned to booze to mask the pain.
She now loves every man she comes across.
He watches quietly from a cloud.
His silent tears water the roses that now cover his grave.
She gives more of herself away each day.
Side by side
Hand in tiny hand
Voices whisper
The wind sings
Every bone tells a story
I will never
Forget
That summer
Shattered and broken, each shard a string of words
That summer
Behind the woodshed
He appeared
He saw
Each paragraph held together by hope
He knows my name
He's seen my face
Love
As well as joy
Is merely but a fleeting illusion
You catch a glimpse of it
A flicker of movement in the corner of your eye
You turn quickly
So as to catch it
And cling dearly to it
In order to soar high above the clouds
Though only for a short time
Because one must come down from all highs
Falling hopelessly
But
It's not always a direct freefall
Sometimes you float slowly down
The depression creeps ever so quietly back into your soul
Ink for blood
Black and dripping
From paper-thin skin
Scars shaped vaugely
Like the characters of another tongue
One unknown to any race
Lost to even their own kind
Teeth like daggers
That gnash and grind
Closing around empty air
Searching for a meal but finding nothing
And howling in anger
At the fact they never will
For they feed off misery
Absorb it
Live it
Small white pills and bitter brown booze
I go to wonderland tonight
I forget tomorrow, forget yesterday
This hour and my escape are all that matter
For the pills make me whole again
The booze numbs my mind
It all goes away
I no longer have to count the times I've cried
Or the days that I stumbled through, half-dead
I forget the times I lied
About eating, or cutting
About happines, or being "O-K"
It all exits my head
And I walk in a haze
But just for a few hours
A day at most
Stop trying to fix me
I cannot be repaired
Even by my own hand
The peices of me are too broken
Shattered with no hope of restoration
This is my self-defense mechanism
Pushing people away
Let me do the same to you
Come back in a year or so
When I have been alone long enough to face humanity again
Don't call me beautiful
Until you have seen the scars that caress my body
Put there by my own hand
Until you have seen the bruises on my stomach from pinching the loose skin there
Because I'm not satisfied with my body
Until you have seen the way my hair looks in the mornings
Before I spend what seems like years fixing it.
But
If you can kiss my scars and love me anyway
Because everyone makes mistakes
If you can hug me around the waist from behind
In that way that gives me chills
If you can tangle your fingers in my hair when we wake up
Our bodies pulled close together
Maybe
Maybe then I will believe you
I am human.
I have no claws or wishing bones,
No song to attract my prey.
I am what you see, and see me you may.
I wear handed down smiles just to show
You, him and everyone, to make sure that you know-
I am human, its a sure done fact, I'll scream it from the rooftops
I promise you that.
But the one thing you'll never see is the joker in my heart.
Discarded from the pack; papercuts with every beat, from finish to start.
With the 'bud oom' it slits to, I can surely crack a smile.
Knowing I have to laugh at the joke some of the while.
For I've never posed to think, for a second, for anything,
That I'd loose you over a weakness like this.
I will die some day. Sure thing.
Oh, my beautiful October
I wish to embrace your morning
I shall take a walk
Though I may catch a chill.
I trudge through the fields
In the Surrey countryside
Walking Gip and Meg
As the sun reaches its height.
I satnd on top of Box hill
Whilst the dogs sniff for a rabbit
Could it be that this is where I last saw you?
My dearest October Morning.
This is where we said "Hello"
And this is where we said "Goodbye"
This is where you made my heart complete
And this is where you broke it.