I did this really stupid thing called falling in love.
Peoples parents do it all the time
The way they described it seemed so joyous
But it's not so great after all.
I fell in love.
But the person I fell for didn't catch me.
I fell into a pit of disparity.
And landed on nails I think they were labeled loneliness.
Then the person I fell for helped me up
But they dropped me
I guess my emotions were to heavy
I ended up being stabbed in the back
By broken glass but they had heart written all over them in sharpie.
I hesitantly took the person's hand again and they helped out of the deep hole
They held me tight and rested their hand over my heart
I felt something dig into me
I'm happy and depressed
Mad and sad
Lonely and suffocated
Wanting to cry but to aware of the fakeness of these tears
Wanting to thrash around but staying as still as a statue
Afraid of living but tired of dying
This is my cry for help
Because I'm unable speak up
Always showing a smile but speaking violently
Hating my thoughts but loving my opinions
Scared of the dark but i fell for the black space that surrounds me
I'm as silent as a mouse while i scream for help at the top of my lungs
Please help me let me solve my own problems
I'm not bipolar my emotions are always together
A marriage of 4 that never divorces
Breaking me into one piece
My brain is numb
My body soar
My stomach twisted
And I'm left paralyzed
Sitting in this darkened room they call my mind
Faulty accusations and realizations
Words stuck in my
Replaying like a broken record
The days are the same
My plans never change
Still alone with my brain
and the haunting memories
My screw ups playing like a playlist
Why am I important to you?
The question runs through my head
Starting marathons it'll never finish
Because the conclusion remains the same
I am important to no one
Give me a reason
Ill find a flaw
Render a task
"Only I can do"
Ill seek a replacement
Now can you give me a reason why I'm "important"
That's correct
Silence is all you give me
It's the truth.
– Spread your sandy voice over me, under me
The branch is crushing my body
Black mulberries are crushing her body
Those chanting hoo, hoo are crushing her body
Salt is crushing her body
Fever is crushing her body
– Sprinkle your sandy voice over me, under me
The road is crushing my body
Quinces are crushing her body
Those chanting ah, ah are crushing her body
Breeze is crushing her body
Stealth is crushing her body
– Scatter your sandy voice over me, under me
The hand is crushing my body
Reeds are crushing her body
Those chanting hey, hey are crushing her body
Like hollowed earth, being;
Like a broken instrument;
The visits and the revisits
To the same places
Same spaces
To fight memory.
Like a mountain storm,
Like the night winds shivering
Like December forever and ever.
Like rocks under a waterfall
Blue birds and more
Always there, disappear
Stings
Like a pancreatitis attack
Like a life gone wrong
Like a song about a gong
That name brought life in me,like the moon fills the darkness with beauty.Oh darkness,the more you exist,the more I can see the stars that I love so much.The more you spread,the brighter the moon is that I'm in love with.
She was like the moon.But brighter,colourful.
But like the moon,there was a side she never showed.A young soul,filled with kindness,in a world asking for her hatered.A rebelious,trembling mess of stars.Through the ruins she made flowers grow.
Oh young soul,how much blood have you spilled for other's happyness?How many times have you knelled down acheing for their safty,brave one?How many times have I wished for your return,my friend?
Are you a star,my soul?
And you looked so peaceful when you slept. Unbothered and untouched. Letting all the emotions of days and weeks and years fade away slowly, until what was left was just.. You. You, in your purest form.
No war. No grief. Just calming, deafing silence.
And how I loved to see you like this. How I'd love to have this memory encraved in my mind. If I could never forget it, I'd hold it forever behind my eyes. But my eyes never layed upon you.
And every day, I forgot more about you, little by little, more and more. And still, every day it felt like I remembered you more than yesterday.
How I'd love to always remember you.
I would rather die than let you be forgotten.
2 of October.
2 of October and I'm still here.
2 of October and my heart hasn't healed yet.
2 of October and it seems like not a single day has passed.
The weather is getting cold,and I get to remember.I get to feel this freezing breeze down my spine every year,to this day.
I get to remember and travel back instead of looking forward.I get to see that no matter how much I've tried I can never really let go.
Maybe I'll leave it for next year,just like any other year.Maybe healing needs more time,or no time at all for me.
I wish I could change,but I can't.
God,what would she think of me now?
Maybe I shouldnt have said "hi" maybe I shouldnt have said "how are you?".Maybe i should have never let my name escape my lips.
Maybe just because im who i am,i should have never met you.Im sorry.
Im sorry for all the times i tried to be there,but i failed.
Im sorry for every time i told you about me,and failed you.
Im sorry i tried to keep things going with us,and i failed.
Im sorry im the way i am.
Im sorry,for this is what i do,what i always say,what i always feel.Asking for forgiveness.
Maybe i should just be with myself,for i was taught that people stay in your life,and eventualy,i got abandoned.Ommited.
Im so sorry i bothered you,maybe in the end im just a waste of space and time.
Its not like you could control it,I understand.I know you wanted to go,to feel with all your heart the kindness.I know.
But sometimes,I wish I had said goodbye,you know.
I wish I had at least said something,and the fact that I remained silent made my blood boil.
I still wish...you had come back.
I wish I had the chance to take your place.
She was beautuful,like the revolution.
I could feel my skin getting dry,my soul coming to life when she speaked.
She was absolute,all or nothing.
She could make you tremble with love and respect.She loved beyond measure,she hated so little.
She had the power to make them all fall to their knees,begging.Yet,she chose not to.She chose to stay silent,teaching them.She spoke her mind,everyone else's happiness was more important than hers to her,she wanted a new world,she dreamed it,hell she fought for it.She wanted everything for it..but settled for nothing.
Even calling out her name makes my soul shiver with pain.
Her name was peace.