it is quite literally eating at me from the inside
i can feel the way it is churning in my stomach
the only thing i can do is wait it out
the only thing i have done is wait it out
or give in
it's the type of urge that makes you rock back and forth
it's the type of urge that makes you so numb that
you can't even cry out all of that horrible, horrible
feeling inside you
it is eating at me from the inside
i can feel the bile working at my stomach walls
the only thing i can do is wait it out
and so the only thing i do is wait it out
or give in
Pull your hair out,
Bite your nails.
Drown in sweat,
You're insane.
Feel you heart beat
Out. Of. Your. Chest.
Everythingstooclose.
Aghhhh!
Look at them,
Stare at you.
Want to bet they're joking about you?
Quickly leave now.
Fall to the floor.
Let panic,
Taint you soul.
1
Shhhhh.
It's okay.
You can stop thinking now.
You can let all you worries float away.
Me?
Oh don't mind me.
I'm just a little nothing.
You'll probably forget what I even felt like in a week.
Why are you asking so much questions?
Does it matter where I came from?
I'm making you feel good right?
You should be quite and appreciate it.
Why are you kicking me!?
I'm making you feel better
And yet you're still on edge.
Even more the before now that I'm here.
I dipped my toe in first.
The coal black tar,
Shone like a heavenly light in the sun.
It was warm, welcoming,
Unlike anything I've ever felt before.
I went in deeper.
This time it was up to my hips.
Like a comforting nostalgic feeling it wrapped it's arms around me,
Round and round again.
I'm getting used to it now.
The scorching guilt burning my skin away.
So I went in deeper.
This time up to my neck.
Like a starving snake
It swallowed me whole.
An addictive feeling
I see myself writing to you again.
You'd think I learned from the last mistake.
But I did not,
And neither did you.
The silence is deafening,
My ears bleed but no one can see.
The things creep back in
And I think they're going to win.
My phone lights up,
They howl and screech, hiding again.
But it's not you.
It's another stranger from a strange app.
I can't put my phone away.
Because if I do.
They'll kill me too.
The Blissfulness of being young,
Not realizing when your throat is being cut.
When your tongue gets tied,
And your hands get bound.
The Blissfulness of bieng young,
Indeed is a pleasurable one.
Not struggling yet nor
Realizing the bear trap is shut.
The Blissfulness of being young,
Such a spectacular one.
Dear monster,
I wonder when you came,
I wonder when you'll leave.
Seems like years or minutes,
I cant quite tell.
Times. A blur with you around.
Dear monster you seem to be,
Leaking, dripping black down on me.
In my brain it all collects
Oh monster what will we do next?
Dear monster, be mine you say,
Together forever as long as your hair.
But you cant see I'm running out of time.
Dear monster are you blind?
Fists strong, eyes blue yet body small.
Dear monster what would I do without you.
Music is my drug
My drug that I use to keep the nightmares away
But once I stop
They all come back
They haunt me
They won't stop
They won't go away
On the verge of crying
I hide my face behind a mask
It hurts so much
I must eat my feelings until next day
Will I be able to not hint what I'm feeling?
Will I be able to not explode?
I'll try not to
I look out across the sea of eyes
Their all on me
And mine dart rapidly looking from face to face
Then away from them, not meeting their gaze
Looking for a way out
But I’m trapped
Questions are shot like bullets
from all directions
They rickashay through my head
Barely being processed before another comes
Eyes burning holes through my skin
I can’t move, don't make the suspect something, anything
I’ve been put in the spotlight unwillingly
Like a cylinder cell it traps me
When I say “no” you ask again
I tell you I don’t like it – you say I love the attention
I wake up earlier than I should, it's 5:45
It's fine try to sleep
I toss and turn for what seems like hours
But it's only been ten minutes...
Did we set the alarm, why hasn't it gone off?, will it go off soon?,what if it doesn't?, if I get up now will it be too late or too early?
PUSH IT DOWN!
stop thinking, role over try to sleep
or at least rest
The alarm goes off
Get up and go down stairs, what should I have for breakfast, I'm not hungry, but I should be, I need something, but I don't want anything, but dad will get mad if I don't
PUSH IT DOWN!
Stop thinking have a coffee grab anything
I am... scared
I'm scared to stand out
But I don't fit in
I'm scared I talk too loud
So I sit quitly
I'm scared to speak up or out
Because I don't want to be shut down
I'm scared to share my opinion
Because I don't want it to be wrong
I'm scared to retaliate
Because I'm scared of confrontation
I am... afraid
I'm afraid to let people in
Because I've be let down too many times
I'm afraid to share how I feel
Because I'm afraid you won't understand,