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Dalilahshigaraki
I asked for life advice today-
It's rare I ask for help-
And it felt like I was given something I wanted:
Someone to listen to me.
My siblings hardly listen;
They hear and tone me out.
The last time my dad listened to me
He said he'd never accept my gender.
My mother acted like it was fine,
But if it was she'd never show me that stupid post-
A 'Why Gender Matters' post.
It was like a punch to the stomach,
Both of them being transphobic.
I came out at SIXTEEN-
That's a hard time to be alive.
Cause I also had depression,
You leech.
You latch into me , drain me of. my happiness . And it only takes one second for me to fall victim to your words , to your drug.
You liar.
You lie to me . It's a viscious cycle. You say it's gonna be okay , and you pull the world from under me. And show me a list of things of why it's not , in fact , going to be 'okay' You anchor .
You tie me down. I don't go places . I don't hang out with friends . I stay home , I sleep. And even though I don't hang out with my friends , doesn't mean you don't make me hang out with yours. Anxiety and fear are your besties. And you always invite them to the party.
You pain.
I did my best to love you,
Though I have
Anxiety,
Over think,
Depression,
Sensitive,
Ugly,
Mental breakdown,
I'm sorry I messed up...
Cause I involved you,
Into my miserable life.
Do you know what it feels like?
To have death stalk your thoughts
and follow you more than your own shadow?
to have it haunt you as if everyday is halloween night?
to be so close it that the smell stanches your skin?
to have it mindfuck you every night?
to not want to wake up
and face reality head-one with nothing
but duffel-bag eyes, a tired body and hopes of today being better than yesterday?
Do You?
Everything is fine
Or that’s how it seems to be
Nothing is wrong
That’s what others think of me
Everything is happy
When I play my cards right
Nothing is sad
If we talk while there is light
Everything is joyful
Because I talk about random things
Nothing is depressing
Covered in my mask, so clean
Everything is random
I make it so
Nothing makes sense
If I accidentally make a row
Life is just a pattern,
there is nothing new,
nothing special.
The same old thing,
day after day.
Nobody cares,
nobody notices,
it is good that nobody notices.
If they noticed,
they would only get hurt.
If they tried to love,
they would be heartbroken,
their heart’s would die.
I do not want to hurt them,
so it would be safest just to go.
Harper Lee displays a blah blah blah blah blah...
My body hurts.
It hurts.
My head
My body
My mind.
I'm tired
And hungry
But I can't eat
Eating makes me sick.
Can I go home?
No.
No.
NO.
My family will ask
Why?
Depression.
Something so strong
But yet so weak at the same time.
It weighs you down.
It holds you back.
It feels...
It feels like a dead body.
Like carrying a dead body
On your shoulders
Everyday.
It occupies your time
You don't want to eat
You can't sleep
Hard to breath.
Maybe you're the dead body.
Maybe you're
Everything was bright.
It was for awhile.
I was happy.
I smiled like I meant it,
people noticed.
People were happy for me.
But something happened again.
I started to slip.
Something started pulling me down.
It would take me at night,
tell me I was safe in its arms.
I felt safe,
I let I take me in.
But the pain started,
I tried to break free from its grasp.
I held my head up high and tried to break free.
here we go again
my heart shattering again
but I just don't seem to care
A little laugh
A little smile
that'll keep them off my back
for a while.
there isn't a day
where I wouldn't like to say
maybe today I wouldn't feel this way
maybe....
No it's just me
you see
and my insecurities.
I'm just procrastinating
nothing new
and I just need somebody to talk to,
I just feel so lost,
just a bit of guidance,
But at what cost.
No one seems to care
but they had the guts you ask me to share
my insecurities.
And in all honesty I just want someone
to love me, as I love them.
and here I am rambling again
it's another sleepless night
oh what a delight
to not be able to sleep
when you can feel the anxiety and depression
creeping in.
but yet being myself just isn't good enough
My depression is hitting me hard these days
And only you could take away the pain
But now you're with another
And I'm just another second hand lover