everything i've ever loved-
my mom,
pillow forts in the living room,
having my hair brushed,
butterfly kisses,
my dad,
suffocating hugs,
laughing until i can't breathe,
tickle fights,
stargazing,
my amorcito,
a home-
has become everything i've ever lost.
why?
why can't i keep a semblance of happiness in my life?
do i not deserve it?
i tried returning home today
but by the time i made it up that beaten path
and through the rocky driveway
and past the old broken gate
another family sat at my table eating dinner
it'd taken me so long to go back
that my home stopped wondering where i'd been
You leech.
You latch into me , drain me of. my happiness . And it only takes one second for me to fall victim to your words , to your drug.
You liar.
You lie to me . It's a viscious cycle. You say it's gonna be okay , and you pull the world from under me. And show me a list of things of why it's not , in fact , going to be 'okay' You anchor .
You tie me down. I don't go places . I don't hang out with friends . I stay home , I sleep. And even though I don't hang out with my friends , doesn't mean you don't make me hang out with yours. Anxiety and fear are your besties. And you always invite them to the party.
You pain.
One day I was walking
And I discovered an abandoned house
It was an old house, to be sure,
Rotten and strewn about.
Inside this house there were pictures
Of those who inhabited it before
People of all ages
Their lives centered around this old eyesore.
From what I can tell, they were poor
But strangely enough
It seemed like they were happy
Despite it being so tough.
A makeshift swing hung in the yard
Worn from constant use
Despite years of exposure
Not a single string was loose
you you you
thats all it is
and when i act like i dont care
im lying to myself
because it is you i think about
every minute of every day
its you when i cant sleep
its you when i do
when i see the sun set and the clouds turn to beautiful shades of oranges and pinks
its you
its you when i hear a sad song
its you when i see a guitar
its you when i cant think
and when i can i cant
because its always you
when i think of home i think of you
Where you live, be it
By the side of the sea,
Or atop a mountain peak-
Both, though a fantasy
For most of us -
Where you live, be it
Cocooned in a cramped
Quarters or be it
a claustrophobic
One bhk -
Or like me
In an old crumbling
Dwelling about to fall apart-
Wherever be that you live
Or rot-
It would be good
Since now Time matters to me
Only as weekends that I can go home
To console myself, I count the weeks backward -
Not looking forward to the future I have to spend here
In exile-
But backward
As yet another week slips past
As one less
In exile.
At the back of my mind
Lies an undigested piece of thought -
That I have to leave my home tomorrow.
My bike carries me through these streets
Along the familiar scenes, pauses
At the places so known to me -
The coffeshops, bookshops, my haunts -
The libraries, the gardens, my previous office
The corners where I have hung around,watching
The milling crowds, a few faces recognized and nodded at.
Faces from my past, faces that have grown old with mine.
The city has grown, its roads wider and cleaner
Trees and corner shops have given way
To malls and multistoreyed monstrosities.
I try hard to remember what were there before
The old, tile-roofed houses replaced
To look into your eyes,
Feel your hand in mine,
To see you laugh,
See you smile,
To hold you tightly,
Hear you breathe,
Rub your back,
Watch you sleep,
To buy you gifts,
Take you out,
Write you poems,
Joke around,
To wash the dishes,
Cook and clean,
Talk to you after work,
Do the laundry,
Uncomfortable
In my own home
Crawling
Under my own skin
Itching
At my own mask
Fighing
From my own cage
Comlacent
In my own life
Hurting
To my own self
Waiting
On my own future
call me run through
call me a hoe
call me what you want,
because i know.
i know that i've made mistakes in partners,
and i've started things i couldn't finish,
excuse me, im here and i fall
i stumble at points,
so i've built up a wall.
walls that confine me to me and you.
and i've never been truly happier
here in these walls they've seen the best of me.
The best time to be homesick,
Is on your way home,
Any other time wouldn't allow you the joy of the experience!