Shy as can be
With no friends
Everyone in Elementary
Laughed and called him names
Not one was nice
There was a little gentle man
The same boy as before
Now in Junior High
But still no friends
More hateful people
But blocked it out from the music in his headphones
There was a gentle man
Same a before
Now in High School
Still treated like crap
But more and more
Mentally
Exhausted,
Not Living On The Inside,
Temporarily
Alone,
Living On The Outside.
And
Busted
Up In
Side.
Eternally Gone.
Beneath the streetlights
I have watched him warily
Black, stout like a thug
Sticking close to my heels.
I walk away casually, as if unhurriedly
He doesn’t follow but moves swiftly ahead
Taller, taller, he stretches himself
I hesitate, wondering what to do next.
Bravely, I walk on, as he pales himself
Into the lights and shades of the doorways –
I look around, sigh comforted
Until he looms again beneath the next streetlight.
Now behind, now at my heels,
Now snaking, now sneaking away from me,
Like an omnipresent God
He streaks in the light of a passing car.
You don’t know-
But I am still around.
Whirl around – but
You wouldn’t see me- yet.
Walk on, in blinding light
Or in comforting dark –
But – listen! My footfalls
Crushing the fallen leaves.
You don’t feel-
But smell – the breeze
The flowers carrying
My sweat pungent.
Sing on, gay, heart light
Let hair swirl over your face
But - listen! My voice
Rising over the winds.
Under the dimmed lights, shadowed faces.
Bow-tied waiters pad by silently.
From the blistering sun
Into dark, cold caves
Offering anonymity, security
Of a faceless existence.
The impassive courtesy
A flicker of familiarity
Assurance of a sanctuary -
How I love this place!
In the glass, the liquor
The clink of cubes
Frozen like my soul.
Fizz fizzling out
Like my dreams!
By oneself, in twosome or in groups
Don't leave me alone with my thoughts.
Missing from 'home',
Parents searching.
Can't look back,
Now I'm running.
Sirens in the distance,
Calling me there.
I grin at the pitiful,
Attempt at care.
I don't give a damn,
If they say they love me.
When all is dark,
Their true feeling I see.
And I know I can't,
Go telling people.
Why do they need,
To see how I weaken?
The wind taking control,
Making me sway and bend,
To its silent command.
The music filling my mind,
With beautiful harmony,
And harsh demands.
Lavender and rosemary,
Put on a display,
Intoxicating our senses.
Around me,
Others pay no attention,
Caught in their own dances.
Images and flashbacks,
Broken ties,
Are long gone tonight.
In the air and everywhere,
Loving you and knowing, you won’t, hurts
Crying deep within, but a broad smile on the face, hurts
Not being a part of the special day, hurts
Wishing for your happiness, at the cost of my tears, hurts
Looking into the wall to find you with the others, hurts
More than a decade, but breaking heart in 10 seconds, hurts
Realization of not being a part of your life, hurts
Not able to share the feelings, hurts
You being like others, who left, hurts
You not choosing me, hurts
Moreover, it hurts that these things are not even half of what the mind feels!
Anniversary…
their teeth can now kiss
without their mouths
Such language,
the battered can
rolling north
The horse
and the spider,
either side of the field
My thumb against
the heel of my other hand…
slowed pulse
I’m risky,
rain on my stubble
and breath
One broken blade
two days ago i invited everyone to lunch
because god i miss that warmth and buzz in the air
two hours ago i canceled while faking a cough
because god i just wanna be alone
i practice disappearing for days on end
so that when i leave
no one will notice
until i am long gone and long forgotten