My heart is heavy at the thought of you.
What you are is something I find difficulty put into words.
You make the muscles surrounding my mouth tense up and form a shape exposing crooked teeth.
(Not really a smile as much as it is a reflex.)
I feel this way and do these things at night and all through my day.
To the point where all motivation to do anything is absent from my thoughts. Speaking, moving, even breathing becomes a challenging task.
I need this feeling to stop.
For you to stop.
You make the world unsafe for me.
And you make the world unsafe for you.
The words that come out of your mouth are
"I love you"
But if you really loved me.
You would let me go.
Locked doors and tightened chains.
As the stiffness in my throat grows.
I've given you permission to take a bite out of my heart and you spit it out when you see my tears.
It can't happen anymore. The lust in your eyes reels me in but the acid from your mouth forces me back out.
Loud noises used to startle us,
Now they're the only rain in the hurricane we've created.
My brain became the eraser
of the equation.
The remnants of what was,
Once a wonderful, soulful,
home...
Is now a desert.
A wasteland
with tattered memories and shattered beer glasses.
Truth be told,
My heart is a pencil,
You, my perfect, fake, boy that I traced out of magazine covers, flawless.
Thoughts of unity and happiness danced around in my head,
But I was all wrong.
i know i'm a coward
i'm frantic and naive
but i miss you.
you were my yellow
you made my days idyllic.
it wasn't amorous
it was sweet and quaint.
until we got a glimpse at the
truth,
and i had to go away.
so thank you,
my ethereal beauty.
but my fear got the
best of me
my words were insubstantial
compared to my
CD player of silence,
rooms once full of melodies
now drowned out by quiet,
what was once the sound
of a thousand singing giants,
reduced to nothing
but
deafening,
hollow,
silence.
i can't avoid you when i know your address like the back of my hand.
i can't just move far away from you if i still know how to get there and where to turn to find you.
i could move thousands of miles away from you, but i still know the small tiny town of edgewater and how to navigate around the shores and how the street names are alphabetical and the blocks skip by twos.
i can't delete your number if i know it by heart.
always a number i want to call in the middle of the day to see if you're doing okay.
i can change my number,
i can even block yours if i wanted to.
but i still know it.
i can still always dial it up.
i still check my phone to see your name in it.
it's easier when your away.
out of my head,
out of my sight.
it's easier to heal when i'm not thinking about you.
i think about you less when i see you less.
but just as the moon needs the stars,
i feel like i need you just as bad.
and i dont.
i know i dont.
i know how you feel
and i just cannot feel the same way.
and that's what sucks.
i miss the important talks we used to have.
digging into our souls
but it doesn't mean i'm going to give up everything i'm doing to get that back from you.
what i thought what could be forever
was simple just a scintilla.
a flash of light.
here and gone.
time has passed,
i still write about you.
i still think about what could have been.
but i can't keep what doesn't want me and what doesn't want to stay.
i just wish i held you longer.
i wish i could have told you i loved you
instead of yelling at you.
even though we've said our goodbyes
i still love you and i don't think anyone will love you as much as me.
i never wanted to leave
i never wanted to have to turn my back on you
but sometimes that's just how things have to be.
lately i've been trying to write about you.
but i keep stopping half way through.
it's like typing out a long paragraph and realizing half way through they don't care and deleting it.
maybe it's because im losing feelings.
maybe it's because i realize you don't care and won't read this.
whatever it is
i'm sorry.
i'd love to say,
"even after all of this i'm still here for you."
but i can't be.
this is the love i have no choice but to let go of.
i'll still think of you from time to time,
but it's something i know i have to stop doing.
i'll walk out the doors one last time
and i can never come back to you.
so ill hang my head and cry
and just thank God i didn't kill myself over all this.
and i think that's enough of a victory for me.