I stared into your eyes and said three words
Smiled and kissed to confirm my oath.
Walked through rubbles of our flaws
Patched up our broken walls, with passion and desire.
Pushed through minor and major mistakes.
I kissed you when my lips had secrets
Unspoken, hidden deceit that broke us.
Pushed us back to square one.
Time and time again, like a book with many pages
But the same story repeated
Over and over again.
Same foolish mistakes clouded by naive wants
Wants that can't be nor can't have.
Clouds to thick that I can't see passed
To see what I already have.
It's been like a year or something
I regret I don't remember
Stranded after school together
It was probably December
We were talking future shit
Now we're fucking losing it
My mistake, my memory is terrible
But I recount you had the boots and jacket on
You know, the ones you always wear
Apologies, for I wish I could give you what you want from me
Honestly, honesty is key
And I would die before I lie to to you
I'm sorry, but I hope you hate me
when we remembered silver glass
mind ice and intimate the summer
is spent in swimming the
rose light plastered in your
hair i hold my arms at my side
we were building the water all
through the spring waiting for
the eighth day by their count
the weight of a country walk the october
rhythm will surprise us spilling
symbols all over the flatland
when you told me you could no
longer remember my name and
i was talking no longer than the rain
was no longer falling or
the romantic abyss we wanted to avoid
People ask around
"How are you? "
"How was your day?"
I used to be honest
But life wasn't easy on me
It taught me to love with all my heart
But to suffer for it
twice as hard
But life wasn't the only one
Others also taught me a lot
But most times what stuck
Was what hurt
My parents and brother...
They taught me a lot,
But what stuck?
It stuck that I talk too fast
It's gone
It's broken
It's disappeared
Was damaged
Was falling
Was full of tears
Nothing
No one there
No one cared
Kept falling
Kept crying
Kept drifting off
Lost hope
Lost faith
Lost all the trust
Resurrection?
I have scars on my hip
only two people know
only one person cares
they're going to be there
forever
my wrists are clear
but no one knows
what lies in my head
constantly drowning
tonight I am at home
thinkin' bout' you
yeah, we don't talk anymore
but I hope you're doing alright
I remember the day we first met
funny really,
we both had sinus infections
in the nurses office, miserable
I recall thinking to myself "I've heard rumors about that kid, he's cute but I should stay away"
I fell into the trap of your gleaming smile
we exchanged numbers right then and there, in front of the nurse
ahh, I was so happy
but that was the beginning
1 year, 5 months ago
I'm not happy anymore
when I was a young girl, about 7, I fell out of the tree in front of my house
I can't handle this anymore
I can't take the pain with me
I drag it along like a briefcase
With its secrets stashed away
I want to push it out the door
But it's too valuable to loose
It can get lost and I feel as though I'm missing a part of me
I feel as though it is me
Underneath the mask that I put on everyday
And no one suspects a thing
I laugh when I think about it
Then I ponder on what's in the luggage
Until I'm shaken in fear
And I am filled in salt water
Drowning in it as it floods my lungs
Uncontrollable
I was once innocent and pure minded.
Now I am corrupted and broken.
I have shattered into a million pieces and can never gain all of them back.
Each step I take pushes me a mile back.
To where I am forever lost.
The hope disappeared.
Along with any shred of humanity I have left.
That spirited child grew up and shriveled to the ground;
Cold and lifeless- but still with a beating, bruised heart.
I try to thrive, to push It all away.
To scream, "mercy!"
To call out for help.
I am here! Right in front of you!
But all they see is the flat cardboard cutout.
They all walk by.
"Nothing is wrong here," they think.
It hurts to see the happiness in one,
When I on the other hand feel as though I'm incapable of it.
Other times and different days
I'm beaming with joy.
It's like I am my own sun.
But in the world
A thunderstorm comes and covers up that beautiful, beaming sun.
Instead, cold, bitter wind and rain
Come to bite at your nose
If you're not protected.
And like always,
I'm never protected.
I am dripping wet in that rain
Until that sun comes out to warm me up again
To take the harsh and freezing temperatures and dry it all out.
That cycle will continue to go on and on
My eyes won't shut
as I lay
consumed
by all the aches in me
that I can't replace
with all the goods I feel
as they seem to drift
much quicker
than as useless as is
the hurt
remains
When the world feels
like it's lightyears away
and my arms
reach no further than my hands
my body is the only destination
my pain the only transport plan