If someone could tell you
Anything
Anything at all
It wouldn't be emotions
You can say you're happy
Sad
Mad
Or angry
Maybe you can pin point why
But
It's different when you understand the world more
You learn of new emotions
Irregular ones even
You start to not understand how you feel
You start to understand the world
And how it can hurt you
three servings turn into none
straight a's turn into failing grades
bright eyes turn into dull ones
clear skin turn into scars
rough days turn into rough months
huge crowds turn into solitude
happy smiles turn into fake ones
a cheerful child turn into a sad teenager
our minds turn into jails
keeping us prisoner
our hearts turn into war scenes
living our lives have now turn into fighting for them
things changed
and being honest...
nobody cares enough to notice.
i don't want "i love you's"
i don't want that
i want something
someone
i need something new
my old medication doesn't work
it isn't strong enough
i need something new
more medicine
more
more
i need a new prescription
maybe he was my new medince
but he's too expensive
i had gotten a small dosage of his caring and i overdosed
my eyes are dull now
you sit quietly
as if no one can hear
no one hears your cries
your cries of silent pain
shh
keep a finger to your lips
you can't express this pain
the pain held inside
be quiet now
or they will hear
and lie about helping
helping your silent pain
listen to me
it's best to be quiet
quiet about the screams
that escape the demons inside
if i told you i am scared,
would you believe my lie?
if i told you i am happy,
would you believe i cry?
if i told you i feel pain,
would you believe me?
if i told you i can hear,
hear the voices of the rain,
would you finally understand?
if i begged you to understand,
would you?
could you?
if i promised to show you,
show you the hidden world inside my mind,
would you promise to not be scared?
if i told you i am happy,
did i mention the times i prayed to be happy?
or the times when i wish i wasn't sad?
or the times in between where i know i'd be nowhere without it?
did i tell you how much you meant to me?
how you crushed me?
and how you left me?
did i ever mention how much i hate myself?
how every time i look in the mirror i feel repulsive?
how i despise my own image?
did i mention those nights?
those nights where i cried myself to sleep?
those nights when i could still cry?
did i forget to mention that i want to end it all?
to get far away from here?
for everything i've lived for and start something new?
did i ever mentioned how i hated you?
i wish i could embrace the light instead of dark
i can see the light
sure as hell i can
but i can never be engulfed in it
only a sliver wraps its tiny fingers around my waist
holding me gingerly
i fantasized the time i would get light
i can always see if
always keep a little part with me
but i can never fully be engulfed
i want light
i really do
and every time i try to find light darkness grabs me and kisses me
leaving light heartbroken and gone
i miss you light
and i do hope you return soon
if i was to be honest i'd have very few friends
if i was to be honest i'd wouldn't be writing this book
i'd have gotten help
i'd have been cured
if i was to be honest
maybe i wouldn't have dealt with the pain
of losing people
friends
family
him
if i was to be honest
then i want you to know something
i get jealous easily
i act like an asshole
i whine, bitch, and complain
i'm imperfect
as i sit on my bathroom floor
the bubbling inside me subsides
as i let the warm water caress me
i cry
i let it flow out
i let the ocean waves of pain flow
i don't tell anybody about my showers
it's the only time i get
to think
to wonder
to feel
to feel the words said
or thought about me
to feel the looks and sounds engulf me
i let myself cry
but i don't cry normally anymore
picked last to do everything
never somebody's first thought
never being accepted
never wanted
everyday you walk the halls
but nobody realizes that you're there
no one cares about your weekend
or if you did the homework
or what happens at home
no one wanted to hear your story
no one cares if you ate lunch
or what you really thought inside
it's because you're unwanted
it's because they want you gone
but that's okay really
you're used to it
he wanted someone's help
she wanted someone to hear her cries
they wanted
no
needed
someone
but no one came
she started to get worse
calling out for her friends' help
they said she just wanted attention
they said she needs to stop being sad
but she tried
and she couldn't...
he begged his mom that night
he prayed that she would listen
that his dad would agree
to not have a pulse
it would bring happiness to everyone
i would end their pain
if i wasn't alive
i think it be best
it's not like anyone would miss me
i think i'll go best dressed
everyone wants me gone
everyone hates me
wishes i was dead
what would you do?
if i said i wish to be dead, too
i want to fucking die
plain and simple
i want to end my life
i hate myself to pieces