In the school students reading.
In the street people walking.
In the church people praying.
In my bed I cry and my heart broken.
I shall miss you most
When twilight brings the risising mist
To hang upon the reeds
And as the evening darkens cold
With Mallards' cries across the marsh
I paint the world, full of colours
I take the rainbow and paste them all over the place
But they want it to be a monochromatic disaster
They don't see the brush that I'm using to colour them
And that brush is already worn out
I replace the brush with a new one
Change the rainbow into black and white
But it feels wrong to just paint them without colours
So I pour out all the colours inside me just to complete that world
But their kerosene-fueled paint burns the colours
Now it's just smoke and ashes
Why do you keep on chasing?
Why do you keep on lying when you're not alright?
Nobody wants you
But I want you
People ask
"Are you ok?
Who hurt you?"
And I replied
"No, I'm not ok.
I hurt myself."
It's just a person
There's more to choose
Good things take time
it starts in your chest doesn't it?
then it flows to the rest of your body
like an ocean waves
splashing tidal waves inside your bones
washing over your soul
it curls around your fingertips
slipping up and down your arms
dripping down your stomach to your legs
it feels good
it feels numbing
the more splashing and crashing
against your heart
your lungs
your bones
your soul
it feels amazing
my lips burn as i drink a sip of juice
the sting wakes me up
the tears swelling up in the corner of my eyes
i know i do this to myself
my mother complains of it
how unattractive it looks
how painful and gross
the skin exposed and red
barren and sore
a tear falls softly
gathering at the edge of my mouth
i smile
in class i sit
biting on the edge
a flake of skin begins to rip
i stay quiet once called on
i can barely stomach soup
the pasta gracefully gliding down my throat
burrowing in the crevices of my stomach
making me gag and ache
i want the disgusting stuff out of me
but knowing i must eat
i do
except now i don't even eat 1000 calories a day
eating a bagel today was a struggle
everyone around me indulged on a big meal
the nicest saturday morning breakfast to have
and instead i excused myself and sat upstairs
so now i guess all the negative comments
about me being fat or a pig
had finally gotten to me
after all these years
when you wake up, you remember him
while piling food on your plate at a buffet
while combing your hair into his favorite way
while sliding a shirt he loved on your body
while sipping a drink of his favorite beer
while smoking with his old friends he dropped
just because she made him
playing spin the bottle with his ex best friend
just because she told him he was a bad guy
doing all the things he wanted you to do before
now she's with him
changing him
he doesn't sing out loud while driving
she called it as a safety hazard
and said she can't trust a man doing that
so you decided to scream out every word
it was my fault i lost a friend
it was my fault i ruined a relationship
my fault my parents argue and fight
my fault my brother and sister hate me
my fault my friends talk about me
my fault my teachers hate me
my fault i ruined my shoes
my fault i sliced my wrists again...
my fault i tried to kill myself
to drown myself in pills
and hateful words
as i look in the mirror in spite
disgusted by my own image
covering my painful sobs,
just to wipe the tears away
and make my eyes not look swollen
words stinging my heart
my heart stopping
eyes watering
smile dropping
they said it once again
she's fat
she's ugly
she's smells
her clothes are shit
she's stupid
she's messy
she's a bad friend
no, terrible
even worse, horrible
i don't mind really.
i look into the mirror
forgotten should be my middle name
who cares for the broken girl
who cares what she feels
or thinks
or says?
who cares if the forgotten girl is gone
who cares if she had eaten today
or cried today
or was even happy?
the forgotten girl doesn't matter
neither does her thoughts
feelings
and emotions.
she's the forgotten girl.
she breathes in life
and exhales loneliness.
my bones became brittle
to sand
they fell
swiftly to the ground.
just to be heated
in the immense warmth of my love
just for them
my bones became glass.
i held my hand out slowly
for you to safely walk inside
behind the walls of my glass bones,
had lay my glass heart.
it had beat so vibrantly, yes.
it shone throughout my chest.
so because a wall of fragile glass,
was a heart beneath my fragile chest.