You tell me nothing's wrong
But I see right through that lie
You say "go away" and "it's private"
hoping I don't know what's going on
But I know,
what it's all about.
You pretend that nothing goes wrong,
trying not to hurt me,
but I know, and it hurts.
It kills me inside,
makes me feel useless to you,
if not a toy.
Yet I pretend that nothing's wrong,
I carry on my normal life.
I say nothing's wrong,
and you can't see through my wall
I'm just a brick wall
Sitting here proud and strong
But it comes with a price
I'm always alone, no people to lean on me
If I crumble there's no one to repair me
So that day when I crumble
I'll just sit there
More broken than I am
The enemy doesn't stop beating on me
Pounding me, trying to get me to crumble
Sometimes people come and help
But usually they leave before the enemy is done
The enemy slowly beats me, the brick wall, down
And when they finally manage, it's chaos inside
There is nowhere safe to hide
They can only stand and fight
It's a sea,
raging all around me
There's no escape
From the feeling of drowning
How could they
just leave me here?
Alone to drown
No sense of direction
Where is up?
Where is forward?
What is going on?
There's nothing,
Nothing left
I need to find my own way
With no one to help me
Maybe,
It feels like a tree without leaves,
No one appreciates me,
Too scared to make my own food,
Even if there is photosynthesis,
Too dark until no one saw me,
Trying to make oxygen for someone breath,
But I also don’t use carbon dioxide much,
But
Thanks to the wind even though I couldn’t feel it,
But it was always with me.
I think I'd better be cut,
I'm too useless for being a tree
A few days before the new year 2022,
I haven’t felt anything FUN this year,
Not much has changed, I haven’t felt anything.
NOTHING
No one saw me,
No one talked to me,
No one met me,
No one hear me,
No one love me,
No one wants me, not even myself.
Maybe I just grew up a little bit,
Depressed about death and
Ended up loving someone who didn’t exist
Or
Someone who didn’t know I existed, again.
Don't show feelings,
Never react to something,
Don't look them in the eye,
Don't show the suffering,
Never utter a word.
They never think that you are the one,
They're just using you,
For something they don't want to touch.
So just do it,
That's how they show the 'love',
Don't be fool,
You know it from the beginning.
Did you tell them that you wanna die?
Yeah? So do they believe it?
They think it's a joke? right?
HAHAHAH, I knew it,
at 20, I danced with men who smelled of Polo cologne
thinking only of me
at 30 when I nursed my baby, I
had no thought to ever wash my hair again
at 40, I drove the kids’ car pool all day
without complaining
at 50, I sat up past midnight waiting for teenagers to come home,
fearing the worst
at 60, I sat up past midnight waiting for my husband to come home,
thinking of divorce
at 70. I sit alone
waiting for these memories to die
Use me
Abuse me
As long as you love me I'm yours
I'll wait
And I'll crash
As long as you love me I'm yours
I'll cry for you
And try for you
As long as you love me I'm yours
Lately I've been feeling down
About the state we're in
It's a hill I'll try to climb
As long as you love me I'm yours
Eat me up and spit me out
Say you're sad again
Bleed me dry til I run out
“Behold, Ladies and Gentlemen, the heart!”
The venerable doctor professor said, holding up
The bleeding heart in his hand, fresh,
Of the young man, dead, on the table.
“Now, I cut it laterally into two,
Observe the atrium, ventricles, aorta etc.”
The heart still throbbed, blood dripped,
And thought to itself;
How little these men know!
They see the chambers and think them
To be empty.
Empty they are now, but he,
My dead man would remember
The hopes, the dreams, the loves
He held in them not so long ago.
‘I am not just a piece of flesh and blood’,
Somewhere in your corners deep,
Lies my love's first letter to me.
Somewhere in your corners deep,
Lies my dreams smothered dead.
Somewhere, hidden, swaddled in clothes
Trembles my fears, dark and black.
Somewhere, among the faded silks
A chempaka flower, fragrance faint.
These books that you hold for me,
These clothes that you keep for me,
These souvenirs of my forgotten past
These remnants of my self, uncared for.
One day, not long after have I left,
Somebody would sweep it all off,
Give you a new coat and polish your glass.
New clothes, new dreams, sparkles of a new life
How many times, weary of life
Have I slumped betwixt your arms!
How many nights, dreary of life
Have I sought support of your top!
On you, my table, I rested my head
As if you were my lover's chest!
I gripped thee, in anguish so great
As if you were his shoulders broad!
I pressed my breasts, raking with sobs
Hard you were, silent to my woes.
I leave you now; this note, my last,
Let not the winds sweep it off.
I slept on it, dreamt, planned my life
Here is his name I scratched, in madness of love.
This stain you see is my blood
Shed, in hope that he would love me more.
I take leave, my bed, let others sleep on thee,
Give them the love and life you gave me
But tell them not, the secrets we shared.
Tell them, if you wish, that I once laid on you
But tell them not I lost myself on your posts.
I take leave, my bed, may thee be host
To lives worthy more than me - here, a toast to thee!